Though I’ve never lost a friend or family member to suicide, I have lost a patient (who I wrote about in a previous post, The True Cause Of Depression). I have known a number of people left behind by the suicide of someone close to them, however. Given how much losing my patient affected me, I’ve only been able to guess at the devastation these people have experienced. Pain mixed with guilt, anger, and regret makes for a bitter drink, the taste of which I’ve seen take many months or even years to wash out of some mouths.
The one question everyone has asked without exception, that they ache to have answered more than any other, is simply: why? Why did their friend, child, parent, spouse, or sibling take their own life? Even when a note explaining the reasons is found, lingering questions usually remain: yes, they felt enough despair to want to die, but why did they feel that? A person’s suicide often takes the people it leaves behind by surprise (only intensifying survivor’s guilt for failing to see it coming).
People who’ve survived suicide attempts have reported wanting not so much to die as to stop living, a strange dichotomy but a valid one nevertheless. If some in-between state existed, some other alternative to death, I suspect many suicidal people would take it. For the sake of all those reading this who might have been left behind by someone’s suicide, I wanted to describe how I was trained to think about the reasons people kill themselves. They’re not as intuitive as most think.
In general, people try to kill themselves for one of six reasons:
- They’re depressed. This is without question the most common reason people commit suicide. Severe depression is always accompanied by a pervasive sense of suffering as well as the belief that escape from it is hopeless. The pain of existence often becomes too much for severely depressed people to bear. The state of depression warps their thinking, allowing ideas like “Everyone would all be better off without me” to make rational sense. They shouldn’t be blamed for falling prey to such distorted thoughts any more than a heart patient should be blamed for experiencing chest pain: it’s simply the nature of their disease. Because depression, as we all know, is almost always treatable, we should all seek to recognize its presence in our close friends and loved ones. Often people suffer with it silently, planning suicide without anyone ever knowing. Despite making both parties uncomfortable, inquiring directly about suicidal thoughts in my experience almost always yields an honest response. If you suspect someone might be depressed, don’t allow your tendency to deny the possibility of suicidal ideation prevent you from asking about it.
- They’re psychotic. Malevolent inner voices often command self-destruction for unintelligible reasons. Psychosis is much harder to mask than depression—and arguably even more tragic. The worldwide incidence of schizophrenia is 1% and often strikes otherwise healthy, high-performing individuals, whose lives, though manageable with medication, never fulfill their original promise. Schizophrenics are just as likely to talk freely about the voices commanding them to kill themselves as not, and also, in my experience, give honest answers about thoughts of suicide when asked directly. Psychosis, too, is treatable, and usually must be for a schizophrenic to be able to function at all. Untreated or poorly treated psychosis almost always requires hospital admission to a locked ward until the voices lose their commanding power.
- They’re impulsive. Often related to drugs and alcohol, some people become maudlin and impulsively attempt to end their own lives. Once sobered and calmed, these people usually feel intensely ashamed. The remorse is usually genuine, and whether or not they’ll ever attempt suicide again is unpredictable. They may try it again the very next time they become drunk or high, or never again in their lifetime. Hospital admission is therefore not usually indicated. Substance abuse and the underlying reasons for it are generally a greater concern in these people and should be addressed as aggressively as possible.
- They’re crying out for help, and don’t know how else to get it. These people don’t usually want to die but do want to alert those around them that something is seriously wrong. They often don’t believe they will die, frequently choosing methods they don’t think can kill them in order to strike out at someone who’s hurt them—but are sometimes tragically misinformed. The prototypical example of this is a teenage girl who—suffering genuine angst because of a relationship with a friend, boyfriend, or parent—swallows a bottle of Tylenol not realizing that in high enough doses Tylenol causes irreversible liver damage. I’ve watched more than one teenager die a horrible death in an ICU days after such an ingestion when remorse has already cured them of their desire to die and their true goal of alerting those close to them of their distress has been achieved.
- They have a philosophical desire to die. The decision to commit suicide for some is based on a reasoned decision often motivated by the presence of a painful terminal illness from which little to no hope of reprieve exists. These people aren’t depressed, psychotic, maudlin, or crying out for help. They’re trying to take control of their destiny and alleviate their own suffering, which usually can only be done in death. They often look at their choice to commit suicide as a way to shorten a dying that will happen regardless. In my personal view, if such people are evaluated by a qualified professional who can reliably exclude the other possibilities for why suicide is desired, these people should be allowed to die at their own hands.
- They’ve made a mistake. This is a recent, tragic phenomenon in which typically young people flirt with oxygen deprivation for the high it brings and simply go too far. The only defense against this, it seems to me, is education.
The wounds suicide leaves in the lives of those left behind by it are often deep and long lasting. The apparent senselessness of suicide often fuels the most significant pain survivors feel. Thinking we all deal better with tragedy when we understand its underpinnings, I’ve offered the preceding paragraphs in hopes that anyone reading this who’s been left behind by a suicide might be able to more easily find a way to move on, to relinquish their guilt and anger, and find closure. Despite the abrupt way you may have been left, those don’t have to be the only two emotions you’re doomed to feel about the one who left you.
Next week: Handling Transitions
“…These people aren’t depressed, psychotic, maudlin, or crying out for help. They’re trying to take control of their destiny and alleviate their own suffering, which usually can only be done in death. They often look at their choice to commit suicide as a way to shorten a dying that will happen regardless.”
Dear Alex,
For many years I have thought about reason “number 5″ as a way for me to go, under certain circumstances. Right now, I am healthy and “hale.” However, I seriously hope, that I will be able to plan and follow through “the taking care of my own death,” should the need arise. I would prefer a fast and self-determined death and I think that this would be a loving end to my life, and also most loving toward those people in my life, who will live on. This is a subject I tried to discuss with friends and family over the years, but only rarely were we able to talk about it. I deeply appreciate your bringing it up in one of your weekly meditations.
-Anna
Not related, but:
Congratulations, Alex, on your recent piece in Psychology Today! We all got to enjoy “The Good Guy Contract” first here.
cheers,
Lisa
I am curious about something. I lost one of my best friends fifteen months ago to suicide. He was a running partner and we together had covered hundreds of early morning miles, discussing personal philosophies and solving most of the world’s problems. He was a supportive partner and never failed to congratulate me on finishing a simple run. Several years ago he suffered stroke, from which he gallantly fought back to his active lifestyle. A month or so before his suicide he became unable to do his job, often showing up, looking at his desk and then simply taking a sick day because he couldn’t figure out what to do with the stacks of papers before him. He made race plans that far exceeded his present running capabilities. (He had once been an accomplished runner.) The last week of his life, we wondered if he’d had another stroke, as his behavior became even more erratic. A series or trips to the ER followed, and he was eventually flown South for more thorough examinations at a major hospital. He committed suicide a few days before his appointment. We all wondered why he couldn’t “last” two more days. I really don’t see which of the six categories he would fit. And, yes, we still wonder why, and I still think of him on those familiar miles we used to cover together. Thankfully, much of the pain is gone now.
Wonderfully stated. I personally have had failed suicide attempts while under the influence of alcohol. It was more of a Russian Roulette, a pistol with one bullet placed in my mouth and fired. I did that on numerous occasions. Greatfully, I never did hit the chamber that held the bullet.
I can say I was in a state of emotional pain and the only way out that I could see was my own demise. Being in recovery for 24 years I have heard this theme at many recovery meetings. At that time there was absolutely no thought to how my death would affect others. They were not in the equation.
In my second year of recovery I went into therapy. I was then treated for depression and a year later mania, which is now covered by the term bipolar.
To sum it up, I felt during my darkest moments that there was no way out. I have since learned, “suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.” If an individual can just be shown that they can change, their life can change, and their misery be relieved the thought of suicide is gone. It is called HOPE.
When I received the gift of hope (tho nothing had changed within me yet) I knew I would find moments of joy.
I now view suicide as a final answer for a person who has lost all hope and is living in an eternal state of pain from which they believe there is no end.
Alive today and glad to be so. Celebrating 24 years of recovery today with my AA group; yes today was a day of joy.
Thank you for touching on a subject I am all too familiar with from both sides of the fence.
“Because depression, as we all know, is almost always treatable…”
The operative word being “almost.” I’ve been depressed since I was a kid.
As an adult, I finally was able to go for treatment. I’ve taken assorted anti-depressants, seen psychiatrists and therapists, and I’m still depressed.
I think about killing myself frequently. I don’t want to die; I just don’t want to live.
Alex, re your #5: First, kudos to you for having the courage to advocate for the right of the individual to commit suicide.
I would quibble with you about characterizing the choice as a “philosophical” one. Instead, I’d label it as a “pragmatic” decision (in the context you’ve outlined). But that’s not terribly important.
What is important, I think, is the question of assistance for one who has made such a decision (and, yes, properly evaluated as you describe) but who cannot carry out their suicide without assistance. The able-bodied individual suffering irreversible agonizing pain or facing a pervasively increasing disability (ALS or dementia, come to mind) don’t need a mental evaluation or anyone’s permission or assistance to commit suicide. But the incapacitated individual, facing the inevitable and properly evaluated, may not be able to implement his or her decision without assistance.
At that point, when the individual has rationally concluded that “happiness in this world” cannot be achieved, the cessation of suffering may be the best that can be achieved—with a little help from their friends.
Of course, one might also rationally conclude that they want to hang in there, pain and all or even knowing that they are inevitably headed for dementia. That’s a reasonable choice too, I think. (Ram Dass once gave a nice little talk on the subject of experiencing the dying process as a means of personal growth—agony and all. I wouldn’t discount the possibility.) But I remain concerned that we don’t have a legal means or institutional structure to assist in the hastening of one’s rational choice to seek death as an alternative to pain, profound disability, or dementia. Hospice, although often a terrific alternative to a full-blown, hospital-centric raging against the dying light, seems too limited an alternative in some cases.
Thanks for the opportunity to comment.
Hi Alex,
Thanks once again for a well-written post. I was actually at a suicide prevention fundraiser this weekend. One of the main points of the event was that people don’t talk about suicide and depression. It is still a very taboo subject, and the taboo perpetuates the problem. Getting help for depression, especially if one is suicidally depressed, is as frightening and upsetting as being ill in the first place. How many people slip through because they are afraid of losing their job, or the consequences that might result if they are placed on a temporary hold?
I feel very lucky to be living in a period of time where awareness of the issue is growing. Hopefully, it will change the way people treat each other, and those who would otherwise be lost will have a warmer future.
…just some extra thoughts on the subject, and thanks again for helping to shed light on the issue.
I once had a law student who committed suicide. I’ve always wondered whether I missed some cue I should have acted on. I was the supervising faculty member for a seminar on Ancient Chinese Law. When the day came for him to present, his topic was Buddhism. I came into the seminar room and saw that, as the first noble truth, he’d written on the board “Life sucks.” I’d been a practicing Buddhist for several years so, as my contribution that day, I talked about how that wasn’t an accurate translation of the first noble truth, that the Buddha was just saying that suffering is part of every life, but that it didn’t mean there wasn’t also joy. (Or words to that effect—it’s been many years since the event.)
This student always had sad demeanor about him, but he didn’t seem to be isolated. He had friends in the student body. A few weeks later, he committed suicide. The students and faculty who knew him were shocked. No one had a clue as to why he’d do this (it was not an accident).
To this day, I’m haunted by his “Life sucks” written in chalk on that board and wonder if I shouldn’t have had a private conversation with him after class and asked some of the questions you suggest in this post.
Well, it just felt good to be able to share this. I don’t have any answers.
I’m a retired Public Health Nurse, birth-to-death…have seen a lot. Really appreciate your blog, especially this one. After a lifetime of practicing high-level wellness I find myself with a poor prognosis. I would like to have the option of taking my own life, when it appears that is the clearly-thought-out and wisest choice. The problem is how best to implement this carefully considered decision. Surely there must be many educated and sensitive people out there who are thinking the same thing and wishing for “technical” advice. This is such a taboo subject, that even as an RN it’s hard to get good, specific, compassionate information. One must be fairly functional to carry out a plan by yourself. If it’s permissible—resource information is appreciated. In the meantime—after experiencing the aftermath of deaths (natural) of many and seeing how hard it is for the families to take care of overwhelming details—I am working very carefully at keeping my affairs (day-to-day details) in refined and simple order. That is a very satisfying, creative homage to life.
@JT: I would urge you not to give up on treatment for your depression. If the antidepressants haven’t worked thus far for you, you may need a different combination of medications or you may be a candidate for neurostimulation treatment, such as vagus nerve stimulation. See http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/vagus-nerve-stimulation/MY00183 for more information. New treatments are being developed every day; there truly is reason for hope.
That was beautifully written, Alex. Suicide has often times confused me…and taking debilitating illness out of the equation, I always wonder why those suffering don’t take the just “one more day” strategy? In hopes that a series of “just one more day” will lead to a resolution. But, of course, its not always that simple.
I thought a lot about #6—They’ve made a mistake. I just published a piece on redemption today. I hope if anyone needs additional words of hope, they’ll turn to this: We Can Rebuild You, Steve.
Best to you,
Jill
A number of years ago I paid a call on a very good old friend only to discover that he had taken his own life. His note said he was unwilling to live the rest of his life in “pain and darkness.” He had had hyperglycemia that had morphed into diabetes and he was scheduled to lose his driver’s license because his vision was failing.
We had worked together as laboratory scientists in the same department at a major pharmaceutical company. He was one of those wonderful people who always expressed interest in the lives, thoughts, perceptions and feelings of those of us who got together from time to time, yet seldom shared much about himself. He was one of the brightest, kindest people any of us knew—we all loved him and were devastated when he deliberately over-dosed on insulin to end his life.
As one of those who found him, I volunteered to call his sister to give her the news. She exclaimed, “Oh no, we were worried about him—his father committed suicide too.” I wonder if there is data regarding the extent to which suicide is inter-generational.
PBS aired a documentary in March and repeated it this week on Frontline, entitled “The Suicide Tourist.” It chronicles the assisted suicide of a man suffering from ALS who travels to Switzerland because the Swiss government allows assisted suicide under certain conditions and makes it available to non-Swiss citizens as well. It is very informative and quite moving as well. Highly recommended viewing.
Thank you, Alex, for this and all your posts.
Gene
Particularly timely piece, Alex, particularly after watching “You Don’t Know Jack” this weekend on HBO recounting Jack Kevorkian’s struggle to assist those desperate to stop living without having to undergo weeks, months, perhaps years of an agonizing life.
It has always seemed to me that quality of life far exceeds the benefits of quantity of life. I am certain that as a practicing physician those words may be troubling to you. I have, in fact, had that reaction from my own PCP. But I reason that, if I am unwilling to embrace the (in my estimation) unacceptable alteration of my quality of life that will result from the medical approach to certain conditions, why should I engage in the costly, painful process of identifying those conditions?
While this may sound like a grossly selfish approach, my own thought is that I would far rather spare my loved ones the burden and expense of a grossly prolonged “battle” against certain mortality than to cling to a life that offers only misery to me and drains them of THEIR quality of life.
Thoughts?
If I get Alzheimers I don’t want to live through to the end. But will I know when to take my pill stash or will I wait too long and forget where the stash is? I think about this too often.
My daughter was verbatim your #4. I was in the middle of a healthy and new relationship with another man after being divorced for 10 years. So a young woman, feeling angst at possibly “losing” her relationship with me to another man, took Tylenol and almost died.
She had been stockpiling pills from the medicine cabinet for over a month. I got the final slap in the face when she refused to come home with me from the hospital and instead went home with her dad. I had no clue as to what the issue was about until we went to mandatory counseling the next day. She came right out and said she thought I was abandoning her to this new relationship.
She was totally embarrassed about the whole thing and refuses to talk about it to this day. But I took stock of how to manage all my relationships to make sure she felt safe with our relationship.
Today we are incredibly close, and I thank God she never died.
Alex—A couple of comments…
I have suffered from depression for many years, and have often got to the brink of both #1 and #4. I see suicide is a potential final way to end the suffering I experience. Or, at lighter stages of a depressive episode, a thought about (but never acted upon) way to reach out when I feel nobody cares if I live or die. But in both cases, the knowledge that I have that way out, if I choose to take it, is in fact comforting. This view drives some therapists and M.D.s up the wall. To them, suicide is bad, all the time, everywhere.
I turned to Buddhism because it offers an alternative to relieving suffering; Buddhism as therapy as it were. I see real potential here. Meds and therapy are dead ends for me—I’ve tried them all with little or no effect. But Buddhism isn’t quick—it might take lifetimes of practice to get the relief I desire, if ever. That isn’t particularly comforting. Nor is the fact that suicide is nearly as frowned upon in it as it is in Christianity. No solace there either. But one has to do something right up the point it can be determined there is nothing left to try, your item #1.
Regarding #5, I find it interesting that we venerate those who sacrifice themselves in battle for other; say the soldier who jumps on an enemy grenade to save his buddies. But many of the same people who would proclaim the soldier a hero condemn a stage 4 cancer patient as a “quitter” for ending their life as it became unbearable. Interesting dichotomy. I’ve known combat and heroism, as well as final stage cancer patients. All are heroes, regardless of their final choices in life.
I think there is room for a 7th reason—never learning coping skills. When dysthymia starts in early childhood, there is lack of setting any future goal to make life worth living. I think it was Frankl’s book that looked at why some people survived the Holocaust and others just gave up. He found those without a reason/goal for the future were the ones that gave up. I would venture that this attitude began in early life and there was no adult to teach coping skills so there would be alternatives to just wanting to give it up. When some people get tired of “just surviving and plodding along” and have no reason, external or internal, to look toward a future, suicide seems quite reasonable. These people do not fit the usual definition of depression per se.
Alex,
I’ve been reading your blog for some time and you always give me something to think about. Thank you for that.
This time, I’d especially like to thank you for #4. Far too often when someone attempts suicide and survives you’ll hear people dismiss them as “just wanting attention.” (Especially if it’s a teen-aged girl.) I find myself thinking how much pain does someone have to be in to think this is a good way to garner attention? And how can anyone discount their pain so easily?
Rosita, you might find some useful information at the website of Compassion and Choices, formerly the Hemlock Society.
Yes, Alex, you have a very committed and thoughtful readership, befitting the material presented.
Thank you for your candor and your challenge.
Namaste,
Lisa
With respect, we don’t know why people commit suicide; on this, as on everything else, the dead are silent. We only have the perspective of those who didn’t succeed. I suspect that there’s a rather wide gulf between the two.
Not mentioned was flight… escaping consequence or confrontation of a wrong deed. Just in the Oregonian today was a front page story about a cold case finally getting DNA evidence, and the suspect named and confronted chose suicide at the cusp of indictment. Still within the theme of escaping though.
I’ve gone through periods of being very suicidal due to my struggles with panic and anxiety. When one is constantly in terror, being dead can sound like a relief. I’m guessing someone with psychosis or a bad LSD trip could feel the same way.
I’m not sure where that would fit, though. Suicide to escape the terror of one’s own mind.
Oh yes, I’ve utilized both therapy and medication, and have been helped very much. Especially by cognitive behavioral therapy. I was just remarking that, for me, overwhelming fear has caused suicidal feelings for me in the past.
And yes, when the panic subsides, the suicidal feelings subside as well. Which is interesting from a Buddhist perspective…I have the ignorant delusion that I’m in control of my body and mind. During a panic attack, that illusion is shattered, and the whole world gets way too scary. What’s the real problem? The panic or the ignorance?
Alex,
Your post hits home. Reading some of the responses, I feel that maybe I have something to add for those still suffering. I denied that I had depression for a very long time. My first suicidal thought was when I was 10 yrs old. I had recurrent bouts of crying myself to sleep, feeling a physical pain in my chest from sadness that I had no rational reason for and feeling that only in death could I make the pain go away. When I started my first real job the stress brought on another low. An astute and caring colleague knew I had a problem. He confronted me and mandated that I seek help. I loved him and hated him for it all the the same. I was incredibly embarrassed but thankful.
I’ve been treated for two and a half years now with medication and therapy. It was very difficult for me to accept that 1. I had a problem requiring medical treatment, and 2. that drugs were part of the solution. Actually, I still have a hard time accepting this. But the reality is that it has helped. It’s not perfect. I still struggle sometimes. But without doubt, emotionally, I’m healthier than ever.
I realized that depression is a chronic illness. Something I will have to manage my entire life. I realized that my perception of reality is altered, much like an anorexic sees herself as fat.
I have begun studying Buddhism to help me rewire how I perceive the world and my life. I have begun to see things differently. I try to choose to be happy, where I once didn’t believe that was even an option. Understanding that there are good sides and bad sides to emotions has been enlightening. It’s not the emotion itself, it is how it is used and expressed. I can turn them around.
There is hope. I know that now. And I want others who are struggling to know that too.
I’m a member of SGI who recently failed at committing suicide, and I believe I can say that your list is thorough, yet missing one very important thing: the idea of empowerment.
I know for me, I reached a state, not of depression, but of a sense of powerlessness and helplessness being triggered that was so deep it blindsided me and I didn’t have even a moment’s hesitation about pursuing a plan. The act was itself an expression of a will, not to live, but to regain control or power—even if only for one last time. Therefore, yes, misguided, but still the same essence of actually wanting to live, which is to say—to have an impact…to create a “cause.” The immediate threat was the sense of powerlessness, and the response was a huge rubberband-action in the opposite direction that strangely felt like life-or-death with death winning out, but nevertheless, there it is.
I am thankful I did not succeed. I recently gave my experience at a discussion meeting just three weeks after the incident. I was living with no real awareness of the preciousness of my life—I was believing thoughts that just are not true and now I am on a better path in my recovery. I love this blog and your frank discussion of difficult, yet very real topics. Thanks!
The ultimate reason is that he or she has lost the possibility to reach the goal of life — keeping DNA alive.
(See articlesbase.com “Happy Life, Depression and Suicide are Managed by Instinct plus Wisdom” or amazon.com Kindle/paperback book “Is Your Happiness Valid?” )
I have an unsympathetic response to my friend and mother-in-law by marriage’s suicide attempt. Her chronic CFIDs had her on a daily prescription diet of 5 morphine, Cymbalta, Diazapam as needed, Cymbalta, Lunesta or Trazadone or one other sleeping med that she could use in combo for sleep difficulty. Weeks prior to her unsuccessful attempt, she started taking something for anxiety; Xanax or Ativan, I think.
She was also my son’s grandma. Now in her fifth month of recovery (and it looks like she’ll fully recover), she has shunned us, giving no reason or excuse; just silence. After sitting bedside for a week while she was unconscious and hooked up to a respirator, after praying and reading poetry, after stressing through the dialysis, we have been abandoned. We don’t get to know what hospital she’s in…we get piecemeal updates from her daughter…
All to protect her poor, fragile condition.
It’s like we are bleeding out, over here, hearts broken, explaining to an 11 yr old boy…!? But our feelings don’t factor.
That’s a potential side for discussion. We have been rejected and we don’t know why. Her doctors and therapist have taken a protective, gatekeeper stance. We don’t know why. We’ve done nothing but love and adore her for 12 years.
I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I think I’m done.
I’m pretty sure I don’t want her in our lives. She has modeled destructive behavior for her grandson, and we just are confused about the lack of communication.
So, anger is almost gone, but lingers. Confusion the order of the day. Hearts under serious reconstruction following amputation without anesthesia. But that doesn’t matter; SHE’s recovering from a suicide attempt.
Hi CD George,
I just wanted to respond to your comment with the hope it might help with understanding. And Alex, please delete my post if you don’t think it is appropriate or helpful.
After my attempt I completely cut a close friend out of my life. And still, years later, I regret it. However, it was necessary at the time. In some ways, the care of friends and family can be smothering. And it further increases the guilt a suicidal person feels over their inability to cope. I hated myself for being unable to handle my problems, or take care of family and friends the way I felt I should. That feeling kept being compounded again and again (especially the more care I was given). Hating oneself and being filled with guilt is not a feeling that is conducive to becoming a healthy person. For myself, it has taken me a few years to re-establish some of my friendships.
I do not know the circumstances of your mother’s-in-law problems, so what she is going through may be completely different from what I experienced. And also, you need to protect yourself and your family. Though, perhaps with time things can change and heal. I can say from my experience that touching death can change a person for the better, but it can also leave very, very deep scars.
Thanks so much for reaching out, and I hear what you say. I guess time will tell. I have to correct my timeline; it was 3 mos. ago, and the month prior was her distancing herself.
I had my own feeble attempt at ending my life when I was 16; a handful of OTC sleeping pills. I was glad when I woke up in the late a.m. and realized that I needed to jump into survivor mode. I ran away from a physically and emotionally abusive parent. I do remember the desperation.
Having said that, I just don’t want the strife anymore. Growing up with it and then grieving several losses in the past few years (dad, grandpa, my loving 18 yr.old pooch, a close friend to ALS, another dog), I feel like I need to make a better life for my son and myself. I don’t want this for him. I don’t want to always be “overcoming” some sort of tragedy. I choose not to.
After she woke up and they took the respirator off of her, I told her I would wait for an invitation before I came back. I did send a couple of emails and made a phone call, but while I got to talk to her once on the phone—that’s been it.
We have loved her and I wish her a joyful future. I hope it all comes around as it should…
I just wanted to write about another side. Not the one that is understanding and sympathetic, but rather the ones who are left behind.
Because, even though she is recovering and has survived, it is still as though she didn’t for us. And call it what you want to, but it is by her choice. I cannot put into words how much that hurts.
Maybe this will help someone else, somehow.
Thanks for accepting my position so gracefully
Alex,
Thank you. I’ve struggled with depression for as long as I can remember. Following the death of my father I had lost my faith as a young adult and had filled its absence with work and caring for my surviving parent. After being a primary carer for a terminally sick mother I found last year that my life situation had changed dramatically and I experienced a loss of meaning and purpose. I sank into a deep and painful depression but did my best to hide it. The anger and frustration i felt contributed to an estrangement from my life partner. Cumulatively, the pain, depression, anger and loss of meaning led me to attempt suicide. For me, at the time, it seemed like the only rational thing to do in a life that had become utterly confounding and terrifying. Fear that there would never be better days on the one hand and the constant pressure of a painful past on the other makes the present moment intolerable.
The most fortunate thing happened—a chance encounter with a friend, a midwife (she had seen everything!), who could see I was in such a depression. She took me by the hand to my doctor who was sympathetic, prescribed antidepressants and psychiatric intervention. That was six weeks ago. It has saved my life so far. I can’t say it’s passed and I struggle still but I have to live now with the trust and hope that everyone is pulling for me to get better and find myself again.
If my friend hadn’t known the right question to ask at that time I know that despair and the anger i felt that fueled my suicidal actions would have led me to my end.
Hi, Alex,
I have come across your site. I applaud all the people who have survived the attempts to commit suicide. Unfortunately, my husband did not survive. I only hope that for his sake that he did not try to stop it, because it would break my heart to think that he wanted life. He was always troubled from his childhood and though I begged and pleaded with him to seek help the more he defied. I then noticed that the older he got the further back in time he went with his troubles. We actually broke up 2 yrs ago; still doesn’t take the pain away. We were married 27 yrs. I live in Ireland, where suicide is still a taboo subject. It’s a pity that someone who has succeeded is unable to tell us and console those left behind that they are happy.
Thanks
I would never attempt to commit suicide if I was a healthy person because I think one can overcome any situation if one really wants too, but having a disease which doctors can’t figure out and being sick all the time really makes me wish every night before I go to sleep not to wake up the next day. But I keep waking up; I have thought over and over about committing suicide and I think eventually I will do it. I have an unknown disease which major hospitals and very well-known doctors in Chicago haven’t been able to figure out, but the symptoms are there. I have progressive brain demyelination, I have a swollen brain which makes me confused and disoriented all the time, severe headaches, major IBS problems, skins rashes, liver pain, pain in my testicles, urinary tract infections, lower back pain, joints and muscle pains and the list goes on and on. I have been tested and re-tested for every disease which could explain the symptoms and the doctors don’t have an answer for me; my insurance has been charged over 35k this year alone and the hospital bills keep racking up and to top it all off I have no friends or immediate family around me which makes the situation unbearable. Also my wife is not understanding at all and on the weekends she goes out with her friends and leaves me behind at home feeling sick which makes me even more depressed thinking that she’s not there to support me, but sure enough she is there when she needs money asking for it. I feel more like she is my roommate rather then my wife. Being sick and trying to have a normal life is really hard. My coworkers and friends don’t notice it but I’m always hiding the pain and the discomfort. I can’t take it anymore. I can honestly say that I can take some pain but the neurological problems are hard to deal with as much as you try if you feel confused you cannot function properly; sometimes I feel fine and I thank God for being alive and feel happy, but most of the time I feel sick and I really wish I wasn’t here; it is really scary to think about not seeing my parents, siblings, wife and friends and to think what a major blow this would be for them, especially for mother as she is a very loving person and I think she would fall in a long-time depression if I was dead especially since she is elderly and I’m the youngest in the family. Have you heard the quote “if you are not enjoying life you are not living?” This is what it feels like to me. I don’t wanna live unless I can be happy. I don’t ask for any material stuff in the world. The only thing I wish for is health; that’s the only one thing it would make me have a fulfilling and a happy life.
Alex
We have been depressed and lost in this world since we were very small. we are now 58 in calendar years but still two emotionally. We suffer from PTSD, depersonalization/derealization, anorexia, severe depression, dissociation, insomnia—overwhelming fear and feelings of abandonment. We are basically alone and think about suicide many times every day. We struggle to survive and weary of doing so when everything feels hopeless and lonely and there is an emptiness inside that seems impossible to ever fill. We do feel that it would be better if we were gone—that no one would truly miss us or care or even notice. Because perhaps we do not truly exist at all except in pain.
Dear forever lost,
Most people in your shoes would have given up long ago. The very fact that you’ve maintained the struggle this long speaks volumes about your innate strength (as much as you might dispute that you possess such strength). What I think you might try is more experimentation. If what you’ve been doing hasn’t worked to produce the changes you seek, then you might consider some new strategies. Implement them (and give them time to give effect). Step 1: Lose the “forever” tag. Step 2: Get moving. It can get better (ask me how I know). Good luck.
Thanks, Glenn, for the response. Ok, you’ve got my curiosity—”How do you know?” We walk pretty much every day and try to do things but it is hard because we are shy and do not trust very easily since we have been hurt emotionally and physically by a lot of people we trusted over the years.
Dear temporarily lost,
Nothing special, nothing profound. I just work at. Take minor pleasures as they come. Shy: Yes. Do not trust: Yes. Hurt emotionally: Yes. But I shift my focus. If I stayed focused on my shyness/distrust/hurts, I’d be lost too. And I lower my expectations. So if I don’t expect much, there’s not as much that disappoints. That may not work for you, but it works for me (at least as a temporary expedient—it’s not much of lifetime recipe).
But if you’re walking everyday, you’re ahead of those who don’t get out of bed and those who are too afraid to leave their house. So you might start by taking some pleasure from the walks themselves. Nothing more; just look for reasons to enjoy today’s walk. Head up; look around; see what there is to see. Pick another route tomorrow and do the same. Continue to vary your route and identify your favorites and then try to identify what it is that you appreciate. Start small; build slowly; have no expectations; keep at it. And know that you’ll have relapses (we all do).
Or decide that this doesn’t work for you and try something else. But try to take some pleasure from something and then keep trying. That’s what works for me. Again, TL, best of luck to you.
P.S. If your situation is such that you are still being hurt physically, you must, repeat must, get out of that situation. You can’t build a life when there’s continuing physical abuse. Period. I hope Alex chimes in because you may need some wiser words on this point than I’m capable of.
To Anyone (and forever lost: We? plural, or one?):
It’s been almost a year since my person tried to kill herself.
She’s alive and has excluded us, we, all of “our side” of the family (by marriage). Major “ouch” is an understatement. Complete and total rejection from my best friend with no explanation. Not just me, my son; a little boy. We loved her 150%. Everything we had, we shared. Now, all we have the fallout of her botched attempt to cover. Had it been successful, we’d still be left with all she shook from her shoes. It seems endless, and recently it’s been the family pets that she….. abandoned. She lives and works toward recovery (at a great price to the state of California: $750,000) and we get to take an old, ailing cat to end her suffering. We try to sustain the life of a loyal pooch that still waits for her return.
Abysmal. The pain of us, those left behind and rejected without what seems a backward glance… well, I have truly reached the new LOW limits of esteem. For anyone considering an end to their life and wondering how those of us left behind will feel, I can’t describe it. It’s not a fond feeling for me.
Value yourself, give to others and remember that for as bad as it is for you, others surmount more. The young man in the house next to me LIVES and he has lived his entire life in a chair, without motor skills or a voice anyone can understand, but no brain damage after an accident on the delivery of his birth. He manages to communicate JOY. So…
Suicide is a form of narcissism and it’s punitive. That’s my case and apparently (check it out) I’m not the minority.
Almost a year, and this is my struggle. I feel betrayed, abandoned and lied to. No fondness here.
Harsh? Yes it is.
I don’t feel sorry for you, I beckon you to work it out.
I obviously have a lot of work to do!
I hope you and your readers will forgive me, as I really work to forgive and accept. I am conflicted about my posts, when I read them after the fact. I can only hope that turning the coin over, so to speak, will help readers see the pain of someone struggling to cope…to help provide a more complete picture of the impact it has when someone attempts to end their life. I will continue to educate myself and your post about forgiveness will be read by me.
It may be hard to believe that I am a loving and gentle person. But I am. I have lost so much in the past 6 years. My natural father. We did hospice here at my house. I am grateful for the dedicated time I got with him at the end of his life. I cared for my grandfather 3 months after my dad died. He passed within 3 months. My loving adopted father a year later. The unexpected death of my dog. Then my little old-girl dog after that.
Then my best friend tries to end her life. I don’t want to spew negativity, but it hurts so bad when someone leaves you voluntarily after so much loss already.
I’m trying. Seeing her kitty to the end of her life and then picking up her dog before he was surrendered to a rescue unexpectedly brought the bitterness up full-force. It’s hard to cover the responsibilities she left behind, let alone to see my loved ones hurting by the loss too.
I work to accept that this happened and I have much to do in order to heal. Sigh.
Thanks for your patience, Alex. I’ll try to take a lesson from it.
When we are in such deep emotional pain day in and day out and it never seems to relent and we see others around us with people they love and having a “life” that seems worthwhile we feel like we can never belong in this world, never be loved or cared about, will always be hurt, abandoned, rejected no matter how hard we try to be what we think people want us to be so we will be accepted. And so dying becomes a place that will end our suffering and “it feels” like no one will really care or even notice if we are gone. So, we don’t do this to hurt others but to take our worthlessness and what we feel as a “bother” to others to free them from what we perceive brings nothing of value to their life or the world we exist in. We are in pain that never ends, sadness and darkness and emptiness that is bottomless and all consuming and the tears and hurt are all there is and seems all there can ever be. Forgive us for our failure………we cry every day and feel discouraged and hopeless that there is anything better.
Forever Lost,
I am truly sorry that you still struggle. Rather than presume to tell you how wrong you are (it’s not my place), I will just say that I guess we all want to flee our individual torments. I have fled contact with someone I loved dearly in order to spare myself the pain. I can’t entrust my heart there; not to someone who would take a piece of it to the grave. She, and you, feel/felt the answer was to end life. It’s wrong and unfair to presume that such a decision is better for anyone else, other than yourself.
Some of us felt, and were right to feel, that the love of us, and from us, was not enough. That’s a very hard bit to cope with.
It’s really tragic on both ends.
The only inept advice I would give is: find a way to value yourself. Do volunteer work with animals or young people, or clean up a small patch of space in your community by weeding and planting. You are needed, but no one will force you and folks will tire or trying to convince you.
Best blessings and hope coming to you from me. Now, stop crying and go and DO something for someone else. It will help YOU.
I have been following the comments to this post. A lot of the problem is due to people (with depression) not getting the right kind of help. I saw the same (distinguished, academic) therapist on/off for 25 years. It is only because of a “fluke” that I stopped going. It took me a long while (after) to realize this was not a helpful process and was in retrospect—harmful. Later, discovered an also very distinguished music therapist with advanced training in neuroscience, a masseuse, a martial arts teacher (willing to work with me privately/adaptively). All accepted a very sliding scale fee. None of this is covered by insurance. I would have been another suicide statistic without this amazing help from these unusual people. For some people “re-wiring” trauma and altering one’s biochemistry requires methods that are not part of established, insurance paid systems.
At the risk of sounding simplistic and raising the hackles of many, I have asked myself many times, what is the purpose for me even being here? Once I decided my purpose in life was the attain heaven and that there cannot be happiness without unhappiness, many things fell into place for me. There is a reason for all this madness, and money, fortune and fame is obviously not the answer (i.e., Michael Jackson). I know many out there will not understand this, but for me, the tougher it gets the stronger I become because of my stated goal. I guess what I’m trying to say is, this life is only a pit stop. It ain’t supposed to be easy!!! I must admit, I do take solace in the thought that everyone get #$#@ on in this life !!! lol