Comments on: The Art of Microcompromise

By: Rosemary

Rosemary — Mon, 14 Mar 2011 14:46:21 +0000

This is indeed a wonderful post, and the responses add depth to the thought. I’ve been married twice. The first time was a 33 year marriage that ended in divorce. We made many many compromises on both sides—often not so micro. I think that we were too immature (in our mid-20s) when we married to know ourselves well, and when we grew up in the following few years, we were much further apart in our basic values than we’d realized. My second marriage ended three years ago in my partner’s death. That was a very successful partnership, and I think what helped it to thrive and survive was the continued desire by each of us for the happiness of the other. Within that desire, the gifts of microcompromises truly made us happy—delighted that we could contribute each day to the other’s greater enjoyment of life. As I contemplate my approaching third marriage, at age 72, we both are feeling happy to be affirming publicly our love for each other, and we both occasionally feel a moment of panic—”What if….?” I thank you for the post on microcompromises. It reminds me of what does make a relationship happy over the long term. Thank you!!!!

Rosemary

By: Sarah

Sarah — Sat, 27 Mar 2010 20:58:10 +0000

What a great post! I just recently discovered the need to think of these sort of small compromises as gifts. It just dawned on me a few months ago that I was thinking of what I wanted because I was always upset about him thinking about what he wanted. It was like an exhausting game of tug-of-war.

Sometimes I would even think “It’s okay that I think of my wants and needs first sometimes because I think of his wants and needs first at other times, equally.” And I just thought, “If I compromise to make him happy, it should be because I want him to be happy, because I love him. Not because its his turn to be happy” and “I know he loves me and wants me to be happy. Maybe if he’s not defending his happiness and I’m not defending mine then we can both be happy.”

Its always back to old cliches. “You get what you give.” The joy in a relationship is in the giving. Its nice to be loved, but at the end of the day you’re with this person because you love them. If you’re both giving 24/7 then you’re both being given to and compromises become something you genuinely want to do, because their joy is your joy. It works itself out. Wonderful post.

Sarah: Thanks. Wonderful comments, especially your thought about couples not needing to “take turns” being happy in a relationship.

Alex

By: Susan

Susan — Fri, 19 Mar 2010 20:57:06 +0000

My entire relationship with my ex-husband, both before and during the marriage, involved many many microcompromises. In the beginning, I made these with a full and generous heart and maybe without even noticing that they were piling up. At some point I realized I didn't even know what I wanted anymore. The gifts had been given but not acknowledged or appreciated. I don't think partners must compromise "equally" but I do think that compromises when not acknowledged and appreciated are corrosive. And that is a large part of why we are "ex."

Susan: I completely agree. Alex

By: S.G.

S.G. — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 20:52:33 +0000

Also—don’t “keep score!” Like I backed down on this & I’m keeping track of “how much I’ve had to give in/up.” Do not take the attitude that you had to sacrifice so many things. Either do it willingly w/love or don’t do it! (Married 36 yrs. to high school sweetheart!)

S.G.: Sage advice.

Alex

By: JS Park

JS Park — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 12:07:01 +0000

I’m a great fan of your blogs. I always enjoy reading it.

I had a bad relationship with my gf almost like 3 years and finally broke up like 3 years ago. Now that I got a new gf 3 weeks ago. Everything is great so far, but when I’m having a trouble with her, I will keep your post in mind and solve it healthily. I appreciate!!

JS: All the best.

Alex