Comments on: How I Met And Married My Wife http://www.happinessinthisworld.com/2010/01/24/how-i-met-and-married-my-wife/ Reflections of a Buddhist Physician Mon, 06 Feb 2012 22:49:06 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: Dee http://www.happinessinthisworld.com/2010/01/24/how-i-met-and-married-my-wife/#comment-61863 Dee Sat, 30 Jul 2011 13:26:30 +0000 http://www.happinessinthisworld.com/?p=4475#comment-61863 Strangely enough, I found your article while I've been doing my own one million daimoku to meet my husband. No coincidence this one!!! Strangely enough, I found your article while I’ve been doing my own one million daimoku to meet my husband. No coincidence this one!!!

]]> By: JC Ryder http://www.happinessinthisworld.com/2010/01/24/how-i-met-and-married-my-wife/#comment-59405 JC Ryder Sun, 10 Apr 2011 01:38:09 +0000 http://www.happinessinthisworld.com/?p=4475#comment-59405 Thank you for your heartfelt, inspirational words of great reflection and wisdom. Nam-myoho-renge-kyo. Thank you for your heartfelt, inspirational words of great reflection and wisdom. Nam-myoho-renge-kyo.

]]> By: Christine Spence http://www.happinessinthisworld.com/2010/01/24/how-i-met-and-married-my-wife/#comment-55668 Christine Spence Sun, 06 Feb 2011 17:35:03 +0000 http://www.happinessinthisworld.com/?p=4475#comment-55668 Following links from others to your post re: the cause of depression, getting an understanding there, reading your post on weight loss and then was curious about How You Met Your Wife. Wow, did not expect to be hit with direct connection...but your comment on how you still became uncomfortable and anxious when saying no or standing up for yourself hit me directly. A difficult transition from Good Guy to putting me first. I truly believed that my passive nature was a trait to be proud of. I did not realize that the relationship was negative and eating away at me. Makes some sense if I put the three posts together that there were unknown thoughts concerning the daily compromises and resentments pertaining to the treatment I was receiving from my spouse. I did not make a decision to change myself as I felt the problem was all my spouse and if I was patient enough he would mature and see that the way that he was treating me was not nice. Plus who wants their children to come from a broken home? After 32 years of marriage, 5 1/2 years of marriage counseling, on Feb 2, 2009 the world I had built collapsed. I went to work, broke down in tears on entering the building, left, went to my parents (I had always said the world would have to come to an end before I moved home with my parents...goodness I was 53; who moves back with their parents at that age?)...never returned to the matrimonial home. I have been struggling ever since. Al ot of other people feel I had been planning this for years...but I was so busily distracted with holding the marriage and my vows together that I was not planning anything. I have thought that I should feel better since I am not daily trying to hold it together...but after a life of constant fixing the emptiness was distracting. After becoming accustomed to living on my own with nothing to fix I am still in a void. I had got to place where I thought that distracting myself by reading books and watching movies was avoiding reaching a solution and moving forward. I do not constantly think of my situation, but at times it just overwhelms me with sorrow. (I am told this is grief for the life I no longer have and the dreams of the future...believe me if I was dreaming of a future it was unknown thoughts; I had no time or energy except to deal with surviving each day.) Plus I have experienced flashbacks...feeling like I was reliving the situation, right down to the smells in the house, etc, possibly Post Traumatic Stress Disorder according to my counselor. But how to overcome these reactions? I have identified my actions of not saying no and being too passive also in relationships other than just with my husband...but I have not reached a place where I recognize them before I do them and if I happen to take a step to not be as passive it does cause uncomfortableness (I even second guess myself and say, this isn't being too passive, this is just being a good agreeable person as it doesn't matter any which way to me...) and a great deal of anxiety. So yes, I avoid the situations that will cause me this which is somewhat exactly the same as the fairy tale world I made in my marriage where I avoided all conflict by being agreeable. Thank you...I think it is in perspective now so that I have a focus of what to work on. This feels more comfortable than "it is to be expected"...which is from my counselor and other women that have dealt with these issues...because my response is...if it was to be expected then why didn't you tell me to expect it? LOL I am very glad that you identified your passiveness before the marriage. My wish today is that no one would ever have to be in the place I am in today. If only there was some way to get the message out to all that the relationship is not good if one person has to compromise all of the time and if both people can't be them. And if you don't know who you are then find you before you get into that serious relationship. At 55 years of age I am now going to find out who I am for the first time. For 2 years I have struggled with what do I like? What do I want to do? I had repressed these thoughts for so long that I do not know. But I will. <blockquote><em><strong>Christine</strong>: Many people <strong>never</strong> do learn who they are or what they want, fearing to challenge their inability to say no and their passivity. Congratulations on recognizing what you have and mustering the courage to take forward steps. It may take longer than you want, but you will reap great rewards from trying to reform yourself. Best of luck to you. Alex</em></blockquote> Following links from others to your post re: the cause of depression, getting an understanding there, reading your post on weight loss and then was curious about How You Met Your Wife. Wow, did not expect to be hit with direct connection…but your comment on how you still became uncomfortable and anxious when saying no or standing up for yourself hit me directly. A difficult transition from Good Guy to putting me first. I truly believed that my passive nature was a trait to be proud of. I did not realize that the relationship was negative and eating away at me. Makes some sense if I put the three posts together that there were unknown thoughts concerning the daily compromises and resentments pertaining to the treatment I was receiving from my spouse. I did not make a decision to change myself as I felt the problem was all my spouse and if I was patient enough he would mature and see that the way that he was treating me was not nice. Plus who wants their children to come from a broken home? After 32 years of marriage, 5 1/2 years of marriage counseling, on Feb 2, 2009 the world I had built collapsed. I went to work, broke down in tears on entering the building, left, went to my parents (I had always said the world would have to come to an end before I moved home with my parents…goodness I was 53; who moves back with their parents at that age?)…never returned to the matrimonial home. I have been struggling ever since. Al ot of other people feel I had been planning this for years…but I was so busily distracted with holding the marriage and my vows together that I was not planning anything.

I have thought that I should feel better since I am not daily trying to hold it together…but after a life of constant fixing the emptiness was distracting. After becoming accustomed to living on my own with nothing to fix I am still in a void. I had got to place where I thought that distracting myself by reading books and watching movies was avoiding reaching a solution and moving forward.

I do not constantly think of my situation, but at times it just overwhelms me with sorrow. (I am told this is grief for the life I no longer have and the dreams of the future…believe me if I was dreaming of a future it was unknown thoughts; I had no time or energy except to deal with surviving each day.) Plus I have experienced flashbacks…feeling like I was reliving the situation, right down to the smells in the house, etc, possibly Post Traumatic Stress Disorder according to my counselor. But how to overcome these reactions? I have identified my actions of not saying no and being too passive also in relationships other than just with my husband…but I have not reached a place where I recognize them before I do them and if I happen to take a step to not be as passive it does cause uncomfortableness (I even second guess myself and say, this isn’t being too passive, this is just being a good agreeable person as it doesn’t matter any which way to me…) and a great deal of anxiety. So yes, I avoid the situations that will cause me this which is somewhat exactly the same as the fairy tale world I made in my marriage where I avoided all conflict by being agreeable. Thank you…I think it is in perspective now so that I have a focus of what to work on. This feels more comfortable than “it is to be expected”…which is from my counselor and other women that have dealt with these issues…because my response is…if it was to be expected then why didn’t you tell me to expect it? LOL

I am very glad that you identified your passiveness before the marriage. My wish today is that no one would ever have to be in the place I am in today. If only there was some way to get the message out to all that the relationship is not good if one person has to compromise all of the time and if both people can’t be them. And if you don’t know who you are then find you before you get into that serious relationship. At 55 years of age I am now going to find out who I am for the first time. For 2 years I have struggled with what do I like? What do I want to do? I had repressed these thoughts for so long that I do not know. But I will.

Christine: Many people never do learn who they are or what they want, fearing to challenge their inability to say no and their passivity. Congratulations on recognizing what you have and mustering the courage to take forward steps. It may take longer than you want, but you will reap great rewards from trying to reform yourself. Best of luck to you.

Alex

]]> By: jeann http://www.happinessinthisworld.com/2010/01/24/how-i-met-and-married-my-wife/#comment-8519 jeann Sun, 20 Jun 2010 12:01:10 +0000 http://www.happinessinthisworld.com/?p=4475#comment-8519 Very good to reread 6 months after 1st time. Thank you. Very good to reread 6 months after 1st time. Thank you.

]]> By: Loraine http://www.happinessinthisworld.com/2010/01/24/how-i-met-and-married-my-wife/#comment-8220 Loraine Tue, 15 Jun 2010 10:05:35 +0000 http://www.happinessinthisworld.com/?p=4475#comment-8220 Thank you for this article. This just confirmed my resolution to move on from my previous boyfriend. We were dating for 2 years and although I know and see that he loves me, I could sense some reluctance in him that he doesn't want to step to the next level or at least give our relationship a direction. It made me feel that I wasn't good enough for him, made me constantly reflect on ways that I can improve on myself. But your article gave some sense of clarity to me. It is true that we constantly have to reflect within us and be better people, but it won't work in a relationship if only 1 person in the relationship does it and the other just keeps seeing the other person's deficiency, waiting for the other person (me) to become "perfect" in his eyes. I do hope he can come to his senses, but if he couldn't in time... maybe we're really just not for each other. <blockquote><em><strong>Loraine</strong>: I agree that few relationships can flourish if only one person in it is looking inward and taking responsibility for "their side of the street" but the other isn't. Alex</em></blockquote> Thank you for this article. This just confirmed my resolution to move on from my previous boyfriend. We were dating for 2 years and although I know and see that he loves me, I could sense some reluctance in him that he doesn’t want to step to the next level or at least give our relationship a direction. It made me feel that I wasn’t good enough for him, made me constantly reflect on ways that I can improve on myself. But your article gave some sense of clarity to me. It is true that we constantly have to reflect within us and be better people, but it won’t work in a relationship if only 1 person in the relationship does it and the other just keeps seeing the other person’s deficiency, waiting for the other person (me) to become “perfect” in his eyes. I do hope he can come to his senses, but if he couldn’t in time… maybe we’re really just not for each other.

Loraine: I agree that few relationships can flourish if only one person in it is looking inward and taking responsibility for “their side of the street” but the other isn’t.

Alex

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