Loraine: I agree that few relationships can flourish if only one person in it is looking inward and taking responsibility for “their side of the street” but the other isn’t.

Alex

Wow is all I can say—how romantic and truly thought provoking! I met my boyfriend a year ago on Match.com and I think we are a great match and I love him dearly. We were both coming out of bad relationships and we just clicked right away. My only problem is (and maybe I was rushing things at first) is that in the first 3 months we were extremely infatuated with each other and saw each other all the time; then he backed off somewhat and it seemed he needed some space (perhaps he got scared) and said it wasn’t me that it was him needing to get himself together. During this period on our 6th month of dating I got upset about how the relationship was going and told him that I loved him but he said he didn’t want to lie to me and tell me that he loved me but he just wasn’t there yet. Then just a couple of months ago (after dating for nearly a year) I told him, “Look if you do not want to take our relationship to the next level then I don’t want to continue with it.” He then told me that he did want to take it to the next level and has made it a point to call me daily and to see each other more often, but still no “I love you” even though I have already said it. I believe he does care for me and maybe does love me but is still not ready to go there. I was wondering how long it took you to “get it together?” I am thinking this is what he was doing, as well as getting over his past relationship, and I want to be with him and be patient but, man, how long does it take?!?!! I am trying hard to be patient and not pressure him but it is getting very difficult. I hope you can give me some type of insight into the “dragging his feet” male psyche!

Lorilee: Undoubtedly, something in him is preventing him from feeling comfortable moving forward. What I learned was that what I thought were faults in the women I was dating (that justified my not wanting to be with them) turned out to be a fault in me. In general, in situations like yours, my experience is this is usually the case (if your boyfriend truly found something objectionable about you, he likely would have left long ago). I obviously don’t know what he’s thinking but suspect whatever his hesitation that he believes it has more to do with you than him. Patterns repeat until people take personal responsibility for changing themselves, not others. You’re probably the exact wrong person to point this out to him, but if he doesn’t grapple with his own internal thought processes, he likely won’t ever be able to say to any woman, “I love you.” Unless people begin with the question, “How am I contributing to this particular problem?” they have very little chance to change their patterns in relationships. I don’t mean to be discouraging, but only he can decide to challenge himself this way. Sometimes, it takes the threat of losing something truly worth having (you, in this case) to make some men want to challenge the real problem—themselves. Good luck!

Alex