Once a control freak always a control freak. You better get moving while you still can, before the mental control/abuse turns into physical control/abuse. My aunt went through this and it wasn’t pretty.

Run for the hills.

The question: If you love someone, and they lie to you (no matter what the lie, even small) can you possibly throw them out of your life because you only tolerate the truth and you think if someone lied once they will lie to you more and you can not trust them? Or is it just pride or something else? Can such a person truly love?

See the problem is that the love of my life broke up with me today, because I lied to him on a question that he purposely asked and knew the answer to. I apparently had told him the truth before, but I forgot that, and to avoid being judged and feeling scared that if he knew the truth he’d get rid of me, I lied. The lie is not even that bad, but knowing him so intolerable of anything I freaked out and lied. In any case I lost…because he will never trust me or be with me.

Why I was so scared is due to this: I had met him last March, and we stared dating. He was perfect at first, not controlling, tolerable of me having friends who are male, going out with girlfriends to a club, wearing stylish clothes, etc. Then quickly he started to change and had me get rid of all my guy and girl friends, wear clothes that cannot show my cleavage, or shorts or skirts, and having no more than 2 alcoholic beverages such as beer or a shot even in a restaurant. These are just examples but hopefully you get the idea. Then in June I went to visit my best friend in San Diego and he broke up with me because he didn’t trust me or something, and felt that my girlfriend would persuade me to break the rules such as going out, or having more than two drinks. Anyways, I was torn during that vacation…but I did meet great people who were friends of my best friend. It was an awesome friendly group consisting of both males and females. We did go out, and I tried to enjoy myself and get over the pain. However, when I got back home…he and I made up.

Then it all began: he was questioning me on everything I did. I was very good, I didn’t hook up with anyone; all I did was hang out with that group of people. But to him that was pain because he said he didn’t even go out during those two weeks while I was having “fun.” So he made me feel soooo bad about myself and ashamed for something I feel I don’t deserve to be. I didn’t do anything bad, but to him going out to the pool with my best friend and two guy friends is like cheating. That is what I lied to him about today…I told him I didn’t go to the pool with anyone other than girls during my stay in San Diego. I was scared of the truth because I thought I never told him that, but apparently I did (he forgave me then). I guess I just freaked because he would kill me if I ever did that in the future (pool with someone other than females).

I am sooo scared of him, and don’t want to lie, but I feel that I am not perfect or good enough for him. So by doing that tonight he broke up with me….because he cannot trust me and that even simple lie is cheating, but the irony is I think that he will never trust anyone other than himself. If you cannot tolerate simple things, how do you expect people to tell you the truth. Please someone tell me I’m not crazy, because I keep telling myself it’s him, he has problems, but my heart is hurting because I should have told the truth an I regret it.

Val: Presuming what you’ve reported here is accurate (we aren’t getting your boyfriend’s perspective here), in my view, your boyfriend was making unreasonable demands on you I suspect based on his own insecurities. A healthy relationship that has a chance to last is one in which each partner trusts the other. Your boyfriend clearly didn’t trust you to remain faithful so tried to prevent you from cheating on him by imposing unreasonable rules which you agreed to accept. You felt the impulse to lie because he was essentially blackmailing you: if you didn’t follow his rules, he would withdraw his trust. Yet nothing you describe doing or wanting to do would violate the trust of a reasonable, confident person. Emotions run high in early life loves (my sense is you’re both relatively young) and insecurity is common. Frankly, it sounds as if your boyfriend has some growing to do before he’s ready to participate in a mature relationship. I’m so sorry for your heartbreak—but at the same time I get the sense a part of you was suffering in having to follow your boyfriend’s rules and is glad to be rid of them (if not him). Please always continue to work to improve yourself in general, to remain worthy of trust, so that you can find another person who will trust you without imposing unreasonable rules in an attempt to control you. That way, at least, you won’t feel the same temptation to lie. But even in this circumstance, had you told the truth, or had you not even violated his rules, I strongly suspect eventually he would have found some other reason to withdraw his trust and break up with you.

Alex