Comments on: How To Give And Receive Feedback

By: Mary Carlisle

Mary Carlisle — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 15:50:39 +0000

This has been so hard for me to learn to take constructive feedback and trust that the person is not being spiteful or saying it just to hold me back. It’s really taken me doing some inner work to not take anything personal and know that I always have the potential and confidence for improvement.

If I receive feedback that’s not so good, it still takes me a moment to process the sting of it, but now I’m always able to do so without reacting and 9 times out of 10 I agree with it, but it may have been something I didn’t want to admit.

If I have to give feedback I always try to make sure I’m coming from love and sincerity. I chose my words carefully but don’t walk on egg shells, and I know the delivery is really important. If I see someone’s progress I make it a point to congratulate them, like Zara’s realization of why she reacted with aggression to this post at first, a lot of people wouldn’t even take the time to think about that. I think standing outside yourself and observing yourself is sometimes very hard, but worth it.

Thanks for another thought provoking post, Alex; with your sincerity and compassion you have developed trust amongst your readers.

By: Zara

Zara — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 20:11:07 +0000

Hi, Alex,

Thank you very much for 1) answering my “angry” piece and 2) for adding that little detail that you did ask that medical student for reasons behind her poor performance. I guess I should apologize if my response sounded too aggressive. My reaction was provoked by my past experiences with people who were not able to give feedback successfully because…because I guess they had no insight into the complexity of somebody’s performance, and they merely imposed their opinion without taking feedback from the person whom they criticized. Thanks to your post I can now see a better picture of someone who tries to give genuine feedback with the aim at a common goal.

Zara: No apology necessary. Giving feedback well really is hard. Having given it to students and residents for 15 years I can attest to how awkward it can be to have to point out someone’s deficiencies. Most of my colleagues want to say nice things but sometimes when deficiencies glare more brightly than strengths often blurt out their feedback insensitively. No doubt many people really don’t care if their criticisms hurt others but sometimes that hurt is created unintentionally by a simple deficiency of skill.

Alex

By: Trainerpack

Trainerpack — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 17:34:20 +0000

Some people like to just talk a lot,
Some people like to listen a lot,
Then some people choose to ignore what they hear or say!

By: Kevin

Kevin — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 20:49:22 +0000

This week I shared this with a several groups I work with and it was an excellent teaching piece. I agree with others that that is a lucid and clear piece.

It led to good discussion about the importance of listening and asking good questions.

Thanks again, Alex.

Kevin: Glad you found it useful.

Alex

By: Zara

Zara — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 19:24:22 +0000

I am sorry. The way I see it is this: Your feedback DID NOT help her to improve. SHE IMPROVED LATER BECAUSE HER PERSONAL SITUATION IMPROVED. You just accidentally found out why her performance was so bad. Usually people in superior position don’t even bother to find out. That is why I say that this story would have to be told from her point of view to tell us more about “compassion” and “how-to-bring-more-happiness-into-this-world.” I read you post about compassion to find out how you understand compassion. You mentioned that the homeless person was a drug/alcohol addict, and that many of them are mentally ill. You did not mention that many of those people went through serious abuse from the others, or that they lack the skills to protect their interests. If this girl lacked skills to protect herself by explaining the situation with her ill mother, you would not even know the reason for her poor performance. You “gave her a detailed feedback” first. After that she surprised you “with her confession.” Yes, she could have told you before. But that is about “the skills to protect one’s interest.” She had limited skills to protect her interest. Homeless people sometimes have none because they have such a bad experience with others that they find it difficult to explain themselves or ask for help. Actually no one wants to hear their stories; that’s why they seem/or/go crazy. Remember times when you are in pain; at such times people usually are not very articulate.

Zara: You’re absolutely correct that my student didn’t improve as a result of my feedback but as a result of her personal situation improving. Nevetheless, my intent in giving feedback was still to help her improve. Though I didn’t include this detail in the post, in point of fact she told me about her mother in response to my asking if there was anything going on in her life that was coloring her performance. I can’t claim it was my first thought, but I did ask. I do agree with your point that being interested in the underlying story of a person who’s struggling is often exactly what such a person needs to feel safe enough to tell their story.

Alex