I find it is easier to forgive others because I can remember my own various transgressions. The most difficult task for me is forgiving myself. How does one do that?

Lorna: I think it’s often even harder to forgive ourselves, knowing first hand just how flawed we are better than anyone else does. However, I’d suggest you try to forgive yourself using the same suggestion I gave in the post for forgiving others. Focus not on your flaws but on your humanity, on the inherent dignity of your life that exists untouched by any of your flaws. All humans make mistakes. If you regret them, try to learn from them, and try not to make them twice, what more could anyone ask of you? You should always try to improve but always recognize the end-point of that process isn’t perfection.

Alex

I often wonder about the nature of forgiveness. There is an ex-boyfriend ten years in my past who I still withhold forgiveness from, even though I know it harms me much more than him. I have an intellectual understanding that I need to forgive him, if only so I can let go and move on, but I keep holding on to that grudge, feeding it like a secret child.

The reasons you give for the difficulty of forgiveness help me understand why it’s been so hard to let go of my resentment and anger and pain. It’s extremely hard for me to consider him as a whole person and not just the memories that hurt.

Now that I understand better, I have new tools to work on this.

Robin: I’m so glad you found the post helpful.

Alex

Once I made those initial choices, the rest fell into place. Peace, happier children, healthier me, new job, new friends and relationships. I stepped out of a spiral of negative thinking. I stopped sparring. I took measures to not remain vulnerable to abuse. Years later, the ex and I are friendly, something I never would have expected back then. I no longer think in terms of revenge (or gloating); it’s a relief to be free of that too. Our new friendship was not a necessary part of the process but a surprising gift.

Now I find it easier to forgive others in new situations. But new obstacles spring from friends and family. When they do not understand forgiveness, they complicate things with “you have to take sides: you’re with me or against me.” It takes a different kind of fortitude to deal with loved ones who still cling to vengeful-type approaches.

RDay: What an encouraging story! Thanks for sharing it.

Alex

I realize that by harboring negative feelings toward a person, it gives that person control over me. And I also know that I have harmed many people in my life and there are plenty of shameful, disgraceful things I have done to others. I agree with your post that harboring anger will cause one to behave badly toward others who don’t deserve it. I realize that old anger, resentment and competitiveness is most likely what has prompted bad behavior in my life.

I tell myself that forgiving others is the key to forgiving oneself. But that is easier said than done. Like the Don Henley song says, forgiveness is the heart of the matter.

I hope you can continue this topic and would appreciate any advice on how to forgive oneself as well as one’s enemies.

Ed: Forgiveness can be so hard. I think you forgive yourself the same way you forgive others, by consciously focusing on the fact that everyone is a human being (that no one is really an enemy) struggling in the same sea, making mistakes, trying to become better. That last point helps me most. As long as someone is trying to overcome their negativity, I find it easier to forgive them. But even if not, recognize that the blows that your high school friends may have dealt you came out of a place of delusion and foolishness. Whether we consciously recognize it or not, we’re all trying to get to a place of happiness and compassion, and many of us are just clumsy in our attempts. No one who’s harmed you in the past is summed up only by the harm they caused you. They have dreams, fears, hopes, families, and cares just like you. Focus on the humanity of others—as well as your own—and maybe you’ll find your way to forgiveness. I hope that helps.

Alex