1) Do you really mean that a “good cause” will return a “good effect”; or do you simply mean a “cause” will return an “effect”? If the former, what is “good”/”bad”? If the latter, how can I become more capable of understanding the law? (I do sometimes see connections between certain “causes” and “effects” in my life; and I feel very peaceful when they occur to me rather spontaneously.)

2) Is there any way I could control the “effects” with my intended “causes”? Would that even be possible before I truly perceive their relationships and even that seems quite difficult since ‘it requires nothing short of a great awakening—enlightenment itself—for a person to perceive the workings of this law of cause and effect in his or her own life’? Or perhaps understanding this law itself is already the ultimate purpose?

3) What texts would you recommend for someone who wants to learn more about Buddhism?

Arthur

Arthur: According to Nichiren Buddhism, yes, a good cause will return a good effect. I consider a “good” cause any cause acted upon with the intent to alleviate suffering and/or bring joy and a “bad” cause any cause acted upon with the intent to induce suffering. In Nichiren Buddhism, there is no need to understand which specific causes lead to specific effects (I’m not sure even an enlightened being would be able to make those connections), but rather the point is to perceive this law of cause and effect within your own life. I recommend The Buddha in Your Mirror to learn more about Buddhism.

Alex

It is interesting to hear you say that I need to change something about my behaviour in order to move this situation forward.

I did just that 2 weeks ago, in response to his latest attack—I finally told him how much I was hurt by his emotional and psychological abuse that I had to silently endure for many, many years but which was never discussed. I told him of the long term effect that had on my life, in terms of health, and choices I did or did not make because I had it drummed into me that I was “not worthy.” I told him that this was the reason why I would not leave my daughter (his granddaughter) on her own at his house. These were issues that were always swept under the carpet for the sake of his happiness, for the sake or peace and family unity, never to be discussed.

So, yes—I did do something different, the universe was telling me to speak up (finally, at the age of 41), hand over the burden to him to carry for a while (interestingly, I had an unexplained lump in my throat for weeks before, that simply disappeared after I unburdened myself). I did not do so with anger; as much as I hate to put such things in writing, I had to do so in this case, as he is not the type to let anyone finish a sentence before the yelling starts. Not to mention that he only hears what he wants to. So, I chose my words very carefully and put them in writing so he can refer back to them over and over.

It has taken a week for me to stop shaking, for my hands to steady after my outpouring. I have established my boundaries; for the time being I need to heal again after having to rip open my healed wounds in order to show him why and what was hurting. Unfortunately, his (written) response was that it is all a fabrication of my imagination. I will not take his calls or see him; I need to regain my emotional equilibrium. Having a family of my own, I must ensure that they are not also affected.

Having spoken to a qualified person about my father, I was told that going by the description of his behaviour, he may have a personality disorder. If I place myself in his path again before he gets some help, am I not just enabling him to continue creating karma between us? I feel his problems are deeper, and our relationship problems are just symptoms of his greater issues. I feel duty towards him as my father, but there is a limit as to how long I will be part of this Punch & Judy show.

Thanks again,
JB

JB: I can only imagine how difficult that discussion must have been. Congratulations on mustering the courage to defend yourself. Telling the truth as you honestly see it in the spirit of compassion (for yourself as well as him) is never a mistake. He may not be in a place where he can make use of it now, but you never know whether or not one day your words may break through his veneer of denial that his relationship with you is broken and help him heal as well. If he does have a personality disorder he will be extremely difficult to treat. Medicine just doesn’t yet have good tools to help. Sometimes, if a person represents poison, even if they are the closest person in the world to us, we must detach from them with love in order to preserve our own well being and that of our family. This is sometimes the most appropriate action to take. The best of luck to you!

Alex

The connection is familial (father-daughter relationship).

Is it the (karmic) duty of the one being attacked to allow this to continue, to continually turn the other cheek, and forgive and keep a loving relationship with the attacker (who is apologetic and promises to reform after each incident), as the two individuals being related implies some kind of karmic bond/debt that needs to be worked out? Or is it just plain old emotional abuse that should not be tolerated?

Where does one draw the line?

Many thanks in advance for your opinions; they are really important in helping me sort this mess out.

JB

JB: The law of cause and effect as described by the practice of Nichiren Buddhism doesn’t justify, promote, or even suggest that you should passively accept any negative situation simply because you yourself are responsible for creating it by the causes you’ve made in the past. Rather, you should take full ownership of whatever part you may be playing in the negative interactions you have with your father (even if you don’t know what they are) and resolve with all your might to change them. It may seem a daunting task to try to change something about yourself you haven’t even identified, but often simply being willing to look at “your side of the street” will enable you to discover what it might be. This in no way excuses his negative behavior toward you. But as you can’t change him, your only chance to improve your relationship with him is to change yourself. If you manage to make a genuine change, he won’t be able to prevent himself from being affected by it. The challenge lies in viewing your current troubles with your father as an opportunity to improve your own life. Imagine he is the universe itself delivering an important message to you about yourself. What is this situation saying to you? You should never allow anyone to treat you with disrespect, but neither do you need to respond with anger in kind in order to preserve your dignity. He is responsible for his attacks on you. You are responsible for having a father who attacks you. Every experience can be transformed into an opportunity for growth that heals relationships if you approach it not with prescriptions for how someone else should change their behavior toward you, but how you can improve your behavior toward them. If you can rise above the hurt he makes you feel and view him as someone who must be suffering greatly to attack his daughter of all people, you’ll find yourself in the best position to manifest the wisdom you need to improve the situation. I hope this helps!

Alex

I believe that we are part of the natural world and therefore part of the delicate balance of nature. And nature itself can hum along quite nicely thank you without any help from outside influences, but yet there’s man and all that we do to influence nature both positively and negatively, but there’s also hurricanes and tornadoes and whatever else which can destroy everything in its path.

i believe that in each of us is a similar ecological balance that we are always struggling with (like the expression “trying to stay even”) and that our beliefs (externally formed) and our actions (expressions of our beliefs) have the capacity to transform events and create circumstances that come back to us, just like in nature. It may not happen right away and it may not be obvious, but it happens. We have infinite power over everything including what happens to us even if it’s being in the right (wrong) place at the right (wrong) time.

Somewhere I read something that in making critical decisions one should think about the consequence in 5 minutes, 5 hours and 5 years. Although the author didn’t specifically say so, this was about karma.

For example, Christianity has a view of ethics that lasts only as long as your lifetime, then you’re in a different environment (heaven/hell), which doesn’t affect this one.

A karmic view has all of your actions affecting you and the world now, and in the future, in all of the many possible worlds.

A great responsibility and a great gift.