Comments on: The Three Realms Of Confidence http://www.happinessinthisworld.com/2009/07/05/the-three-realms-of-confidence/ Reflections of a Buddhist Physician Wed, 10 Mar 2010 00:14:15 -0600 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.8.6 hourly 1 By: Ondrej R. http://www.happinessinthisworld.com/2009/07/05/the-three-realms-of-confidence/#comment-2031 Ondrej R. Thu, 19 Nov 2009 13:09:59 +0000 http://www.happinessinthisworld.com/?p=2842#comment-2031 I do not think it is a "delusional belief." I suffer very similar problems---but at work, while fine with my family, so I have "studied" the problem for quite a time. I still do not have a sure-proof tool, but I do know it is not any kind of belief, because I know I am not worthless; I know I am actually quite a good teacher and translator when I make myself to perform my job. What it is is a deeply ingrained "gut" automatic mechanism (usually acquired in childhood) that makes you back down, surrender without putting up a fight, so it is a kind of "cowardice," but not really, because it is something deep down that betrays you. And I can absolutely identify with your feeling of a "fraud"---I often have the feeling of "wow, how can this shit be happening to me? How can I be doing this to myself?"...well it is automatic and (in my experience) it is very difficult to fight. What helps me is writing a diary, analyzing my feelings in writing, I try Buddhist meditation, the feeling of emptiness, because an empty vessel cannot be harmed; there is nothing left to harm in the first place. The Litany against Fear taken from Herbert's sci-fi book <em>Dune </em>has also been an inspiration for me. These things do not always work for me, but sometimes help (therapy may be of use too---if you find a good therapist, which I haven't). If you have any questions, feel free to write to me to ondrej . roldan @ gmail . com ...and I would sure love to know if you find something that works for you, because I am still battling this with very mixed success. Good luck! I do not think it is a “delusional belief.” I suffer very similar problems—but at work, while fine with my family, so I have “studied” the problem for quite a time. I still do not have a sure-proof tool, but I do know it is not any kind of belief, because I know I am not worthless; I know I am actually quite a good teacher and translator when I make myself to perform my job.

What it is is a deeply ingrained “gut” automatic mechanism (usually acquired in childhood) that makes you back down, surrender without putting up a fight, so it is a kind of “cowardice,” but not really, because it is something deep down that betrays you. And I can absolutely identify with your feeling of a “fraud”—I often have the feeling of “wow, how can this shit be happening to me? How can I be doing this to myself?”…well it is automatic and (in my experience) it is very difficult to fight.

What helps me is writing a diary, analyzing my feelings in writing, I try Buddhist meditation, the feeling of emptiness, because an empty vessel cannot be harmed; there is nothing left to harm in the first place. The Litany against Fear taken from Herbert’s sci-fi book Dune has also been an inspiration for me. These things do not always work for me, but sometimes help (therapy may be of use too—if you find a good therapist, which I haven’t).

If you have any questions, feel free to write to me to ondrej . roldan @ gmail . com …and I would sure love to know if you find something that works for you, because I am still battling this with very mixed success.

Good luck!

]]> By: Bridget http://www.happinessinthisworld.com/2009/07/05/the-three-realms-of-confidence/#comment-2015 Bridget Tue, 17 Nov 2009 22:45:37 +0000 http://www.happinessinthisworld.com/?p=2842#comment-2015 I was hoping for some comments or handles to point me the way forward. I have weird self-esteem or worth issues. On one hand I have great faith (with reservations as we should have as we all make errors) in my capacity at work as a physician, I am financially terribly Celtic-ly prudent and don't spend what I earn; I have the good luck to be pretty and slim. So I can and do appear very at ease—professionally and dealing with people in public. But I have no confidence about those closest to me and most especially my partner of two decades. I cannot deal with conflict (OK at work), become anguished about any silence, focus on every criticism (of my second language, my arguments etc). I recoil into myself to defend myself from criticism attempting to be beyond reproach. This means that the reproach becomes my absence, my quietness, my lack of engagement. I don't think my partner is a monster; he gets frustrated with me. I think this is a mix of cowardice with respect to close people—but from where? It may be to do with being away at boarding school—my father went to work abroad when I was 7 and I went to boarding school from 10-years-old (that would be long terms, i.e., 12 weeks at school and a few weeks at home). The difficulty is that I feel a fraud too as superficially I have everything to be happy with but I am a rather abject thing; not that I would impose this on anyone. I hide what is written here behind a funny, helpful, competent facade. So any ideas of how I can help myself with my nonsense? <blockquote><em><strong>Bridget</strong>: My own experience is that problems with self-esteem usually do originate in childhood but remain kept alive in the present by a persistent delusional belief that we're valueless. Perhaps it might help you to examine if and why you might believe that about yourself. Also, have you considered therapy? Alex</em></blockquote> I was hoping for some comments or handles to point me the way forward. I have weird self-esteem or worth issues. On one hand I have great faith (with reservations as we should have as we all make errors) in my capacity at work as a physician, I am financially terribly Celtic-ly prudent and don’t spend what I earn; I have the good luck to be pretty and slim. So I can and do appear very at ease—professionally and dealing with people in public. But I have no confidence about those closest to me and most especially my partner of two decades. I cannot deal with conflict (OK at work), become anguished about any silence, focus on every criticism (of my second language, my arguments etc). I recoil into myself to defend myself from criticism attempting to be beyond reproach. This means that the reproach becomes my absence, my quietness, my lack of engagement.

I don’t think my partner is a monster; he gets frustrated with me.

I think this is a mix of cowardice with respect to close people—but from where?

It may be to do with being away at boarding school—my father went to work abroad when I was 7 and I went to boarding school from 10-years-old (that would be long terms, i.e., 12 weeks at school and a few weeks at home).

The difficulty is that I feel a fraud too as superficially I have everything to be happy with but I am a rather abject thing; not that I would impose this on anyone. I hide what is written here behind a funny, helpful, competent facade.

So any ideas of how I can help myself with my nonsense?

Bridget: My own experience is that problems with self-esteem usually do originate in childhood but remain kept alive in the present by a persistent delusional belief that we’re valueless. Perhaps it might help you to examine if and why you might believe that about yourself. Also, have you considered therapy?

Alex

]]> By: Ondrej R. http://www.happinessinthisworld.com/2009/07/05/the-three-realms-of-confidence/#comment-1446 Ondrej R. Tue, 13 Oct 2009 22:29:35 +0000 http://www.happinessinthisworld.com/?p=2842#comment-1446 To Andrea H: I have started to teach in primary school recently and I would love to ask Andrea H for a few pointers she could give a beginner on how to handle the students' fear and cruelty she mentioned in her comment. Anything would be most welcome. To Andrea H:

I have started to teach in primary school recently and I would love to ask Andrea H for a few pointers she could give a beginner on how to handle the students’ fear and cruelty she mentioned in her comment. Anything would be most welcome.

]]> By: Ondrej R. http://www.happinessinthisworld.com/2009/07/05/the-three-realms-of-confidence/#comment-1445 Ondrej R. Tue, 13 Oct 2009 22:00:29 +0000 http://www.happinessinthisworld.com/?p=2842#comment-1445 I am trying to fight anxiety syndrome, and I am finding your thoughts very, very useful. Without confidence it's basically impossible even begin to heal oneself. Thanks. I am trying to fight anxiety syndrome, and I am finding your thoughts very, very useful. Without confidence it’s basically impossible even begin to heal oneself.

Thanks.

]]> By: Laura http://www.happinessinthisworld.com/2009/07/05/the-three-realms-of-confidence/#comment-1238 Laura Wed, 30 Sep 2009 19:33:07 +0000 http://www.happinessinthisworld.com/?p=2842#comment-1238 I think this article made some interesting points. I read a textbook directly related to this topic; its called <em>The Experience of Philosophy</em> by Daniel Kolak, Raymond Martin. I found my used copy for less than the bookstores at http://www.belabooks.com/books/9780195177688.htm. I think this article made some interesting points. I read a textbook directly related to this topic; its called The Experience of Philosophy by Daniel Kolak, Raymond Martin. I found my used copy for less than the bookstores at http://www.belabooks.com/books/9780195177688.htm.

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