The Good Guy Contract
Twenty years ago, the first woman I ever loved broke my heart. Like many break ups, the end came in stutters and sine waves rather than as an abrupt but mercifully irreversible amputation. However, for reasons I couldn’t understand yet quickly began to resent, my ex-girlfriend continued to ask favors of me. And I continued to grant them.
Then one morning while chanting I found myself ruminating about how inappropriate it was of her to keep asking, and the more I thought about it, the more irritated I became. My indignation continued to intensify after I’d finished chanting and began showering, finally reaching a peak as I rinsed the shampoo from my hair, causing me to make a sudden and angry determination that the next time she asked me for a favor, I’d refuse.
At that exact moment, the phone rang.
I knew it was her calling—and sure enough, after I’d finished showering, one of my roommates confirmed it and added that she’d asked that I call her back before I left for school.
As I walked toward the phone I told myself that when she asked me for the favor for which I knew she’d called, I’d refuse. I called her up, and—sure enough—she asked me if I would record a television show for her on my VCR (again, this was 20 years ago). In my mind I said, “No.” But then I heard my mouth say, “Yes.”
I hung up—and laughed out loud. I was as powerless to refuse her a favor as I was to run through a brick wall. Literally.
So I decided to begin chanting with the determination to free myself from my inability to refuse her favors. And one day, months later, while chanting, I had an epiphany. The reason I remained unable to refuse her requests was that I’d established a Good Guy Contract with her.
Until that moment of epiphany, I had no idea what a Good Guy Contract was, much less that it was the standard contract I consistently signed with almost everyone in my life. But in that startling moment of clarity I understood not only what it was but why I kept signing it: my self-esteem, which I’d previously believed to be built on things solely internal, was in fact entirely dependent on something external—the good will of others. The Good Guy Contract was simple: I would agree to be nice to you, to advise you, to sacrifice for you, to care about you—and in return you would agree to believe that I was wise, compassionate, excellent as a human being in every way, and finally and most importantly, you would like me.
This was the contract I’d signed with my ex-girlfriend, the only difference being I didn’t just expect to be liked; I expected to be loved. And for a while, I was. Unfortunately once I’d had a taste of that love, it became my ego’s addiction, and when she took it away from me I became profoundly depressed—not because, as I originally thought, I’d been left by someone I thought was the love of my life, but because I genuinely believed without that someone I couldn’t be happy. Why, then, did I keep doing favors for her after we’d broken up? Because I couldn’t shake the Good Guy habit. Some part of me believed if I continued to fulfill my contractual obligations to her, she’d start fulfilling hers again to me. To say I was shocked to discover my self-esteem had been built on such shaky ground would be an understatement.
I didn’t realize at the time, but at the moment I had the epiphany about my propensity to sign Good Guy Contracts with everyone in my life, I stopped doing it. This was proven to me three months later when my best friend came to me asking me why I had recently become such a jerk to all my friends. My first reaction was to become defensive and deny it. But then I stopped myself, realizing that he was absolutely right. I began to wonder why I had in fact become so dismissive of so many of my friends and realized that I’d somehow stopped needing their approval to sustain my self-esteem and had somehow torn up all the Good Guy Contracts I’d signed with them (these were people, it turned out, with whom I had little in common to bind us together in genuine friendship). I’d somehow discovered a way to love and value myself without feeding off the love and esteem of anyone else. And most fascinating of all, without my ever discussing this with my ex-girlfriend, she never asked me for another favor again.
THE BENEFIT OF TEARING UP THE GOOD GUY CONTRACT
I’m not arguing there’s anything wrong with wanting to be liked. Nor am I saying I no longer care if I’m liked or not. What I am saying is that in freeing myself from the need to be liked—in learning to derive my self-esteem from internal support—I can more easily let go of the dissonance that (still) occurs when I’m disliked. Ridding myself of the need to sign Good Guy Contracts has brought me tremendous benefits, including enabling me to:
- Stop suffering when people don’t like me. I can’t control how others respond to me, and being freed of the need to write Good Guy Contracts has freed me of the need to try to influence others to like me as well—which has freed up an unbelievable amount of my time.
- Become an effective leader. If your primary concern is to please everyone, you won’t be able to make good decisions for the right reasons. I could never have taken on the leadership roles I have had I not eliminated my need to be a People Pleaser (another name for a Good Guy).
- Establish more genuine friendships—friendships based on mutual interest, free of the underlying agenda in which I would use the goodwill of another to support my self-esteem.
- Be compassionate. Freed of the need to be liked, I can now contemplate compassionate action motivated only by the desire to add to the happiness of another person and not by the imperative to sustain my self-esteem, making it far more likely my actions will be wisely compassionate, the importance of which I discussed in a previous post, What Compassion Is.
- Avoid explosive expressions of pent up resentment. Being unable to say no leads to resentment toward oneself that often gets projected onto others but that’s paradoxically rarely expressed (becoming angry at someone would violate the terms of the Good Guy Contract)—until it builds up to the point where it must be expressed and then often is in explosive and damaging ways.
- Avoid feeling overwhelmed by too much responsibility. What a relief it’s been to be able to own what’s mine and not what belongs to others.
HOW TO TEAR UP THE GOOD GUY CONTRACT
People sign Good Guy Contracts all the time. It’s especially common in younger people, less so as people mature naturally into independence. Yet it persists in many—as I believe it would have in me had I not confronted the suffering my signing a Good Guy Contract with my ex-girlfriend caused me.
If you’re a chronic People Pleaser who can’t stand to disappoint others when disappointing them is appropriate, then you have a great opportunity to become happier. First, how can you confirm that you sign Good Guy Contracts in your relationships (both romantic and platonic)? Try asking yourself the following questions:
- When you disappoint someone, anger them, or cause them in some way to dislike you, does it create disproportionate anxiety for you?
- Do you have difficulty enduring even a mild degree of conflict with others?
- Do you become obsessed with manipulating how others feel about you?
- Are your actions predominantly motivated by how they’ll cause others to view you?
If so, these are reasonably good indicators you’re working too hard to be a Good Guy.
What, then, can you do to stop? Other than taking up the practice of Nichiren Buddhism, the most effective method I’ve found is to practice disappointing people. That is, when disappointing someone is genuinely necessary, I approach it as practice for developing my self-esteem. If I fail, that’s fine. After all, it was only practice. I get back up, dust myself off, and make a determination to try again next time, reminding myself as I do so that violating the Good Guy Contract and setting appropriate boundaries doesn’t usually lead to being disliked as we People Pleasers fear, but rather to being respected.
In all honesty, even now, two decades later, I sometimes still feel the tug of the need to please. Though the wisdom I activated all those years ago has never stopped functioning in my life, sometimes it functions less strongly than others, depending on my life-condition. Sometimes I still have to remind myself consciously not to be overly affected by the opinions of others. But the ability to let go of my need to be liked, even if it sometimes requires conscious effort, is one of the greatest bits of human revolution I’ve ever accomplished and absolutely worth every bit of suffering it required.
NEXT WEEK: Magical Thinking
Posted on May 24th, 2009
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While it sounds kind of crazy that a person ought to actively disappoint other people, I am definitely in agreement with you here about the Good Guy Contract. I dated an extreme “people pleaser” for a while, and he was the kind of guy that everyone claimed was “the nicest guy ever”—he was the most popular person I’ve ever known. But it always shocked me how superficial many of his relationships were and how readily he would say yes to other people (or how obsessively apologetic and worried he would be if he had to say no). He was always trying to make time for everyone and spreading himself so thin that ultimately the relationship suffered because of it (a bit of twist on your Good Guy story, though you didn’t say if it affected your actual relationship).
In my case, I felt that it was hard to have a truly genuine relationship with him, and I have since been a little wary of the super good-guy syndrome. I think many people mature out of this need to please others (as it’s really just a special kind of peer pressure) and turn into caring and independent adults. However it’s the people that take advantage of these Good Guys (ahem, your ex-girlfriend…?) that really ought to reevaluate their actions.
This article just made me realize that being the Nice Guy is a type of disease. It is amazing when you finally say no to someone, they never ask you again just like you experienced.
Great article!!!
Hey,
Your post really fits for me. I recently wrote one called “What is Sacred to Me?” which carried this quote: “Depression is the reward for being good.”
I practice Nonviolent Communication which offers tools to live your heart rather that being a Good/Nice/Dead Guy.
One tool that comes to mind that helps pave the path to Real “guy-ness” (versus Good Guy-ness) are the three Steps from Emotional Slavery to Liberation from Marshall Rosenberg’s book, Nonviolent Communication: Language of Life. Step one is “people-pleasing” which you sound very aware of. Step two is the “obnoxious stage” where you rebel against stage one (which you elude to). The third step is emotional liberation where you take responsibility for your emotions and actions!
It sounds like you are well on your way toward freedom! Yay!
Dave
I think it is as simple as, “No strings attached.” In other words, IF we do something for someone, we should do so freely and without expectation of anything in return. (The “giving” is the end, not the beginning of an equation.)
I’ve read this three times and I’m still confused. When is “disappointing them appropriate?” And when your friend told you you’d been treating your friends like a jerk, were these genuine friendships? I’ve always thought of friendship as a very special gift. Could this be a gender thing? Last week I told my doctor that often meeting a female friend for lunch would leave me exhausted (I have chronic fatigue syndrome) and he seemed surprised. Then I asked him if he noticed the difference in interaction between two women as opposed to two men. He couldn’t stop laughing. On a lighter note, I don’t think any strategy I used could have manipulated my parents into not arguing; you must have been REALLY adept at whatever you did.
For me, really it was and is a simple a thing as “civility.” Can we both be elevated to the level of civility at least?
That is, within a social contract can we simply ascend to seeing our emotional disabilities as a factor of our humanness—in the other? Enlightened thus, can we proceed to quiet dissolutions of those contracts?
I went to fly a kite with all the expectations that there would be a wind to keep it aloft. When I finally arrived at the spot, there was simply no wind.
Curse that there was no wind? Use the same rationale to empty the ocean using a teacup.
It always amazes me how words and thoughts will reach us at the time we need it the most!
I’ve practiced Nichiren Daishonin’s Buddhism for seventeen years. Even though I have known the pattern you describe in your post rationally for a long time, I’m only now reaching a point where I simply cannot go on with my “good girl contract” anymore. The people who truly love me have asked me to throw it away for a long time but I haven’t been able too, found it too scary.
Your post is sharp and encouraging; thanks a lot!
Definitely agree with what you’ve written here. It’s so important to be able to feel compassionate towards others and it sounds like you’ve really done that here.
Wow, amazing, Alex. When I started chanting I realized my need to please and a few friends went out of my life because I no longer picked up the bar tab,,bought dinner,,gave endless rides to the airport with no gas money, etc. When I created boundaries one complained I became a bitch. Thank God for that. I can’t imagine continuing living my life without that awareness.
Sorry, Alex; I still believe you are a good guy. People have described me in the past as being too “mothering,” and it was not always said in a complimentary way. At some points in my life I wanted to think I was “tough,” not mothering. Now I value that trait, although I know that i can easily go from mothering to smothering. Right now I feel I have lost the quality and my ability to love along with it. I say no to requests because I just CAN’T do or give; it is not really even a decision. If people get angry at me, I am too worn out to really care. I do feel a tremendous loss of a part of myself that, I hope, gave something good to the world and now feel I am only a drain. Certainly I have also gone totally over the edge doing anything and everything to get certain people to like (hopefully love) me, did considerable damage to myself in the process, and of course, it did not work anyway! Let’s hope I don’t go THERE again! Also learned a lot in Al-Anon about this kind of stuff. I get so much from your writing and everyone’s contributions—thank you.
The quality of clarity of your thoughts is so bracing. I am grateful for the insights but find the practice of making appropriate judgments about when the Good Person Contract needs to be jettisoned and when not. It seems there are relationships where a mutual Good Person Contract or perhaps a limited GP Contract are essential for civilization or civility as one of the posters suggested. We have to choose carefully where we want to invest that GP Contract relationship status, though…it seems to me that negotiating this territory is worthwhile, essential, and humanizing.
Alex,
I thoroughly enjoyed your article. I used to be a good guy but eventually grew out of it as I have aged. I find it amazing how much I can relate to your scenarios. I’m writing because my brother has such a big good guy contract that he is almost completely broke from being “the better person.”
He is recently divorced and let his ex have whatever she wanted, against the advice of his attorney, because he wanted to be “the better person.”
For whatever reason, he feels the need to have a girlfriend; it’s like he is desperate to prove to himself that he is a good guy; do much so, that he is currently involved with a married woman who has him wrapped around her little finger. He is so intent on being the good guy that he buys her whatever she asks for. It is ruining his life and I have tried everything imaginable to help him out of this good guy state that he is in, to no avail.
He obviously has low self esteem and doesn’t even recognize that he is trapped in his good guy contract.
Dear Alex,
It is indeed remarkable how apt coincidences are. I am right now going through the realization you had, that my acts of kindness towards others often had a lot more to do with my fear of “being difficult” and my desire “to be liked” than anything else. I grew up in an environment where people were proud, easily offended, and fought with each other over small things, so I wanted to make things easier on everyone. But what I didn’t realize was that letting others walk all over me would result in their lack of respect. I have slowly been gaining respect over the years, and now I think I’m ready to jettison the “good girl contract” for good.
But there are two things I’m still struggling with—the people I often allowed to “walk all over me” were often seriously damaged themselves, and my relationships with them are those of deep, lifelong love. Ignoring them is simply not an option. What is the best way to help others with compassion while still setting boundaries? Also, I’m worried about the implications this has for my professional life. I’ve never been good at “playing politics,” and I’m afraid of getting eaten alive if people don’t like me. I don’t know what other tools I can use to claim my place in the professional world. How can I defend myself against inevitable attacks without resorting to the level of others?
Thank you very much for writing.
Great insight. We become addicted in so many ways, to so many things—either “good” or bad. It is the addiction which brings sorrow. Freedom is joy.
Waking up is to be free of contracts, and that is freedom. In free will lies generosity and every other good thing, for no action is contingent then. Generosity is not only material performance but as you say, compassion, which is love.
I find it rather amusing that you sign off so many of your responses to readers comments with “thanks so much for your comment!”
Seems that you are still struggling to relinquish being the “good guy.”
I love this post. It’s especially apt for “love addicts” like me. I’ve been practicing being “the bitch” and yesterday I realized that I’ve made a breakthrough. It’s taken me years to get the message and that makes me a little sad. I sacrificed a lot in order to be liked by people who had no respect for me and it held me back in so many ways. I just hope I can make up for lost time but, like most addictions, you can’t get those years back. Anyway, thanks for this post.
I was a U.S. Air Force brat, frequently being pulled up like a potted plant and reported somewhere else. On average I think we moved every two years. Constantly playing the role of “the new kid” I developed a people pleasing personality. Later in life this worked well in a sales and marketing career which I finally dumped in 2001. There are more serious things in life to pursue that being other people’s doormat (e.g. how much did you sell last month?), which is what often happens when people perceive someone to be a people pleaser. And yes, with the girls I often was the “nice guy” and could absolutely not understand why “bad boys” drew so much attention from girls.
Why should we need self-esteem at all, if we have self-love and self-compassion?
Of course, we can still reflect upon our actions, and learn from them, and resolve to do better in the future. But none of that requires judging our own self-worth—which is what self-esteem implies—or applying a “good” or “bad” label to ourselves.
When the aim of doing better is freed of any need to shore up our self-esteem, then it becomes a more truly liberating spiritual discipline. We aim to do better out of our love for the world and our love for ourselves; not from a perceived lack of self-worth that we’re continually striving to fill in with self-approval.
The craving for self-esteem that so many people seem to have is in reality an attachment to ego that gets in the way of liberation.
Liberation from ego means loving yourself with compassion, no matter how “good” or successful you think you are.
We love our children and our pets without judging how “worthy” they are of our love. Why not love ourselves that way, too? That’s not ego; that’s freedom from ego.
I had a similar revelation after my big breakup, but I called it the hero complex. After searching the web, it turns out it isn’t uncommon (but it isn’t an actual disorder). Although, I’m not so sure it was about being liked OR loved, since it seems it would hold true even in the face of persecution. I think it’s more a compulsion to do the “right thing,” to help people, to save people, etc, though I couldn’t say WHY. It could be an overcompensation for guilt, maybe.
It may be that women in general want to control by what ever means (be it sex, harassment, or what ever works) other people? Evolution has made women generally 30% smaller than men. That means purely physical control is usually unachievable. Thus the challenge and often associated with biological challenges mental rewards for resolving those challenges in the organism’s favor. Therefore a woman who desires control will not necessarily wish to stop exercising that control even though the relationship foundations may have changed.
Face it, you are just a tool for someone else’s satiation.
From reading this I find it interesting and could use it as a base if I find myself in the same situation. Now, I don’t consider myself a Good Guy; I’ve been an underdog all my life and learned to live on my own. A mistake which would make a close group of people dislike me would be devastating to my social life, something I try to avoid.
It’s really easy becoming the Good Guy. I’ve had that happen a number of times. Last time I did it more out of pity and ended up getting hit by my now ex-friend. The other friend I pitied was too depressed; there was nothing I could do. She also was part of the same social group as my ex-friend and we had had some really heavy stuff happening within that gang so it was just time to give it up and just relax for once. I did it for me, and it felt good releasing the emotional load which my girlfriend had been loading onto me.
I’m a loyal friend, but I will never stay if it doesn’t benefit me; a nice guy, but I won’t take anything.
Though I’m only in high school, I really connected to this. Three days ago, my (first) girlfriend of almost four years dumped me because she just didn’t feel the “spark” between us anymore. She didn’t act any differently before she dropped the bombshell, so I didn’t even begin to expect the rejection. I was completely heartbroken, and every moment since then felt like a burning hell.
To make things worse, prom was two days ago, and I went with her because she still wanted to be friends. I’ve never been so crushed before, and prom was like having my face rubbed in what could have been. I wanted to hate her and never talk to her again, but she was just so nice to me and so understanding and so beautiful at prom that it broke my heart over again. After prom, I decided not to go to our afterprom party with a close circle of friends because I didn’t want to ruin the evening for her (she was at that afterprom party for two days, and I haven’t heard from or about her yet. In my head I keep seeing her making mistakes with alcohol and men and though that’s pretty ridiculous, I can’t get rid of the images). I took a cab home that night, and I secretly thought I would feel good about sacrificing my own joy for hers. Well, I didn’t. I felt terrible, and I felt that I was missing out. I had no idea why until I read this article.
I was a Good Guy. I felt that my self-sacrifice would let me feel loved again, but that love is gone forever. I spent two days at home in the worst pain I’ve ever felt, wondering if she was okay and if she was having more fun without me. I had to constantly remind myself out loud that she left and she wasn’t coming back, but I constantly regressed into thinking about what I could do to make her love me. I couldn’t tear up the Good Guy contract I had with her because it was to deeply engraved into my way of life. Instead, I tore up my contracts with all of my other friends who tried to help me and cheer me up because I was so addicted to the love I felt with my ex.
This has been my first experience with heartbreak of this level. I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel or how this is supposed to work. I am traumatized by the way I felt at prom, and I felt like the entire universe had conspired against me for the past few days. That is, until I read this article.
I stumbled on this article through stumbleupon.com, and I took it to be a sign that there are others that understand what it’s like, and that I will be okay with time. I realized a part of myself that’s been holding me down that I wouldn’t have realized without reading this, and thus I offer you the most sincere “thank you” that I can convey. Perhaps, with the Good Guy Contract in mind, I can begin to move on.
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I followed your link from a comment on NYtimes.com…and honestly, I’ve never read such an enlightening blog entry!
My (mostly former) need to be a Good Girl started almost at birth, when my argumentative parents repeatedly scared me with violent arguments which I’d hoped to stop with “goodness.” Of course it didn’t work! A few years ago, I had a sudden parting of the ways with two so-called friends, which I still feel pangs of guilt over…though I realize my guilt is ridiculous. My former best friend took me for granted and called all the shots, and when I discovered my backbone and showed her, she agreed to my “don’t call” request and suddenly disappeared. Another friend was always complaining about unemployment and an empty bank account, and I’d take him out to dinner—which didn’t stop him from lashing out at me and breaking off our friendship. It’s all for the best. C’est la vie.
Ever notice how social groups attempt to reinforce the idea of being a Good Girl or Guy? A couple of people in my group of friends betrayed me, and yet no one seems to think I’m within my rights to be “un-good” to them. But I’ve realized that my feelings are important, more important to me than theirs, and click—I’ve unfriended and blocked them on Facebook. Oh, how good it feels to finally be free of the Good Girl expectations!
This finally explains why I’m freaked out when guys are proud to be on good terms with all their exes. Some situations (being cheated upon, betrayed, etc.) require a breaking of the Good Guy Contract to not only protect one’s feelings and dignity, but also to shield one’s self from further abuse.
The essence of the Good Guy Contract is sexism. The idea that men are supposed to appease in exchange for being chosen.
And whether or not this idea stems from a basic genetic need is irrelevant, because so is the idea that I should kill my competition’s children to deny their genetic progression.
I for one will not be a slave to expectation.
Bravo on writing this article.
Absolutely loved this. This holds so well with my own beliefs and experiences. Your references to the foundations of ego were spot on. I’ve tried many times to convey this to others with similar issues and will refer them here. The Good Guy Contract applies to so many people I know as well as what I’ve heard referred to as “enabler syndrome.” Sharp and understandable. Well done.
I totally agree with this article. I haven’t been able to say no for years; it’s good to know I’m not alone…
Being a Good Guy is cool; being a pushover and a lackey is not.
As to the Nice Guys that have superficial relationships: duh. But Good Guys and Nice Guys are very different things and have very different goals. Nice Guys are not interested in being Good Guys, they are interested in people pleasing by becoming a literal tool.
Being a Good Guy means you are consistent in your behavior with people. You help them when it is reasonable, and when they are unreasonable or they ask for too much too often, a Good Guy has no problem telling that person as much. The result is that the real superficial people—the people who just want you to do stuff for them—soon realize that you will not be abused, and the cool people—usually other Good Guys and Good Girls—respect you more and like you in a non-Nice Guy way.
You should not go beyond yourself to prevent disappointing people, like a Nice Guy, but a Good Guy welcomes the opportunity to help someone out, but he will not allow himself to be abused.
Great article!
I’ve been a Good Guy for all my life—I’m 32—and I’m only now starting to change that, in part by working with a psychologist. I grew up with alcoholic parents, so I think that’s where it started.
I have social anxiety to some degree as well. That makes it a bit harder to deal with, since it makes me more nervous of what other people are thinking of me. For me, I think my need to be a Good Guy basically stems from low self-esteem and the resulting fear of rejection.
The turning point for me was being dumped by my girlfriend of three months. She has Borderline Personality Disorder and I had been desperately trying to help her through a dark depression in the last few weeks, after which she suddenly had no feelings for me at all. She still wanted to remain friends, which I just couldn’t do…but I kept coming back to help her because I didn’t want to see her suffer and dropped all of my basic needs to “be there.” Also, I hoped we would get back together, because I feared I would never get another girlfriend (that was the low self-esteem talking).
That was four months ago and it really opened my eyes to the fact that I need to change radically. I suppose that’s the silver lining of the breakup.
So to summarize—don’t be a pansy and stand up for yourself and you’ll feel better, no? I think you’ve a ways to go yet judging from your use of the language.
Thanks for writing this article. I knew this about myself, but I didn’t understand the details.
A truly excellent post. I was aware of this but not in such an excellently organized manner. Definitely great way to put it.
Great article. This confirms that the path I had always choose was the right one!
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It’s interesting to read the discussion on this topic. I can say that the practice of “not expecting the results of your action” (i.e. would I be liked/disliked if I do/don’t do this, will I get X if I do Y, etc) is one of the foundation of Vedanta (Hindu philosophy) for achieving happiness/contentment or to be precise, “experience bliss.”
The moment you stop worrying about or expecting the results of your action you are freed from a lot of anxiety, stress, and disappointment. It becomes a lot easier to do your part to the best of your abilities and move on.
This is my first trip to your site. I got here from The Happiness Project. I shall be back. Thank you.
Adam Tan
Thank you so much for the article! I’ve been recently told by my health care provider to put my needs before other people’s unnecessary wants before my health suffers more because of it. So I got myself a backbone & did a good girl contract tear up…without overwhelming guilt for the first time last week and it feels great! Reading your article has further cemented my resolve. I’m now off to read more of your articles!
~K
I loved this post! What I want to know is whether any women out there have tried this without becoming known as “bitches.”
I suppose Alex would say that it does not matter and that is the whole point of tearing up the contract — if people think that, who cares?
I was about to lament how unfair it is that women are frequently forced by social conventions to appear nice, when I just imagined what it would really be like not to care if anyone thought that I was a bitch. This possibility has honestly never occurred to me before and it is like finally catching a breath of fresh air after being trapped in a trash can for 25 years.
I can’t imagine actually doing this, but the thought of it is invigorating. It feels like that line from Pablo Neruda — “just the same, it would be delicious to knock a nun stone dead with one blow” or something like that.
I was about to politely thank you, but I no longer care what you think. So there!
You may have unleashed a monster.
It’s inspiring to know others battle and have conquered this. I have been dealing with this my entire adult life. I stood up to my family for the first time about a month ago and they are all upset. In fact, I was actually screamed at by my mother’s husband even though I took a direct polite tone when I stood up to something I felt wasn’t right. I think it is hardest to break this pattern with your family as they are used to us in this role.
I’ve printed your article for my husband, who is legendary in these parts for being the ultimate Good Guy. And, as you suggest, I have been the willing recipient of his good-guyness, mollifying my guilt with the justification that as his spouse, I’m uniquely entitled to reap the benefits. Nevertheless, I’ve always suspected this subliminal, unhealthy motive on his part. Can he make the change, at 57? And if so, can I adapt, after 25 years of his servitude? Stay tuned.
Hello from Switzerland,
I just read a post on your blog from Gretchen’s Happiness Project & came to visit. I really liked your article.
I’ve been in a Good Girl Contract for far too long & when I was recently told to stop being such a People Pleaser I was vexed.
But everything is absolutely TRUE! Reading your article has really made my day! I am not alone!
Now, after so many years of such an attitude, it is difficult to stand alone on your feet, without depending on others’ opinion to build your self-esteem. These days I am always scared to slip again into this bad habit. I keep reminding myself that at least I have identified the problem!
Thank you.
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[...] Secara alamiah, orang pada umumnya ingin disukai dan/atau dicintai sehingga, pada akhirnya, kebanyakan mereka memilih menjadi orang baik agar disukai dan/atau dicintai. Hal ini diperparah dengan kenyataan bahwa disukai dan/atau dicintai juga menjadi satu kriteria orang baik sehingga hubungannya jadi seperti lingkaran setan yang tidak ada habisnya (circular). Keinginan orang agar disukai dan/atau dicintai serta keinginan menjadi orang baik melalui disukai dan/atau dicintai membuat banyak orang, dalam istilah lain, menandatangani apa yang disebut sebagai “The Good Guy Contract” (link: http://www.happinessinthisworld.com/2009/05/24/the-good-guy-contract/). [...]
Yet another article of yours that really resonated for and with me. I thank you for that.
I am a 45 y.o. man and have been living with my girlfriend for 1 1/2 years now. My girlfriend has been married before and has children by previous husbands. My mom—to put it delicately—does not “buy into” my now-five year relationship.
Mothers tend to set the temperature of families I’ve noticed. As mom goes, so goes the family. Notwithstanding this, fairly recently I have become “okay” with her setting the mood tone of our family.
As you write, I no longer “need” her approval, though I certainly do “want” it. Were I to have it, so many exchanges between my siblings and parents and girlfriend and me would be easier and more pleasant. Unfortunately—for my family, very likely, and for my girlfriend and me—this does not seem likely to happen in the near future.
I think and feel that (1) I have been clear to my mom about the long-term nature and depth of my relationship with my girlfriend; (2) of my unwillingness to participate in family gatherings where she is not welcome or even cordially tolerated; and (3) assume my mom has done the relational calculus and determined she is willing to see less of me as a matter of her position.
The result is my mom doesn’t make the three-hour visit to our home; my dad is hesitant to make the trip (though he has on occasion) for concern of upsetting his wife (my mom); I am reluctant to visit them without my girlfriend, as she is unwelcome at their house; I sense my siblings are hesitant to “rock the boat” by insisting or even choosing to spend time with my girlfriend and me; and, as a result, when family comes in from far-flung places, I choose to be absent since my girlfriend is not wholly welcomed.
The upside? I’m okay with this. This is how my mom (and to a lesser extent others in my family) has chosen to liver her life. I still love (and like) her, though I do not agree with her.
Life is filled with trade-offs. This one seems most natural to me.
Thank you for the clarifying discussion.
[...] The Good Guy Contract [...]
I stumbled on to your post. I just want to thank you because as I started to read it felt like I was the one who wrote the top part…having the exact same experience in college and beyond only I’ve never put the term “good guy contract” onto my actions and I’ve never learned how to tear it up. Thanks for your wise words.
Thank you for this post. Looks like I have some work to do.
Very good one; please in Spanish.
For practice in not pleasing people, try becoming a manager in an organization. No matter how compassionate, wise, and just you try to be, someone you supervise will come to dislike you, even hate you. People simply have different ideas about fairness. It’s an amazing challenge for a person who wants to be liked and thinks of himself as kind and good. You have to grow up, own who you are, and accept the fact that in living and working with other human beings, conflict is inevitable.
I find this whole post which can be summarized as “nice guys finish last, so don’t be a nice guy” (isn’t that original?) fairly simplistic. As a practicing Buddhist your main goal is to achieve detachment and hence it seems you’ve discovered that that also includes detachment from people. I’m glad you find happiness in that, but I find much more happiness from my social networks. Nurturing those social networks includes building social capital and being civil (which I would translate as “being nice”). As most anthropologists would agree, we are innately social animals that live entirely through, and by means of, social networks. Society and social networks work for most people. For a few unhappy people, “the other” becomes the subject of angst and depression. Detachment is a possible solution to their problems, but I would never suggest that it’s the only one. Building social capital (i.e being nice) can help you find a job, meet new interesting people and most importantly in my view, makes you a good person.
I understand and have been this Good Guy/Girl. It was only after 11 years in a bad marriage that while being screamed at over the phone (for the hundredth time) I was able to say in a calm, strong, quiet voice, “We have important things to talk about, but if you yell at me again I am going to hang up the phone” and then I did it. And it never happened again. Who knew it could be that easy??!! I think that was my epiphany moment.
In defense of people-pleasers everywhere, I would like to add that I think people can be raised to be that way—I know I was. And I can fall back into it so easily I believe it will be a lifelong struggle to (as my husband says) “become a little more bitchy.” I love learning how to say no and still feel good about myself. It is really an enlightened way to live that I was unaware of for far too long.
As Mary van Valkenburg mentioned above, becoming a manager is very good practice at not pleasing people (okay, I still struggle). Becoming a supervisor was very frightening to me and that was probably the main reason I did it—sort of a continuing internship in tearing up the contract every day.
Thank you for shedding light on these topics that can isolate people when left in the dark.
In your post you say: “…when disappointing someone is genuinely necessary, I approach it as practice for developing my self-esteem. If I fail, that’s fine.”
What does it mean to fail at disappointing someone? Does that mean that they weren’t really disappointed? Should I try harder to get them upset?
Or does it mean that I blindsided them, they were crushed by my behavior, and that they’re never going to speak to me again?
I guess this is me.
Thank you for the feedback. I see what you mean now. You mean that in a situation where it is necessary for the purposes of a higher good to disappoint someone, and it is in my mind that that is what must be done, but when I pick up the phone I fall back into nice guy/nice girl behavior, then I have failed at my task. That clears it up.
This post has been very helpful. I’ve shared it with my husband whose job is to essentially disappoint people. He is not so much a “nice guy,” but your ideas of how to approach the problem have helped him be more at peace with the process.
There is one word (I guess an “official term”) for the Good Guy Contract. It is called co-dependency. The following link is one of the best books I have ever read, as someone who struggles every day with co-dependency (hopefully will be recovered soon).
Co-dependent No More—see the Amazon link below.
http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1259378705&sr=8-1
I really enjoyed reading this post; helped me through some thoughts that have been rolling around in my head. Keep up this good work, and remember it’s best to keep things in mind about “subjective” and “objective.”
Being a good person isn’t about being liked; it’s about liking to be good.
I understand not NEEDING to be liked (BTW, I happen not to have this issue myself, though I see it everywhere), but shouldn’t you be nice regardless? Having all your old friends think you’re a jerk doesn’t seem good either. You should be nice WITHOUT relying on the “Good Guy Contract.”
I learned to say “NO” only 8 months ago. Other than saving time, I benefited in the health department. Saving time means employing it to generate something worthwhile; it could be earning money, spending time with family, building relationships, etc.
I like this article. I am overtly spiritual and compassionate. Buddhism has had it’s share of influence on me over the last 8 years. Though I have never heard about the practice of Nichiren Buddhism. Great article! I really enjoyed reading this post and I stumbled upon it. Thanks!