Comments on: Letter To A Widow http://www.happinessinthisworld.com/2009/02/15/letter-to-a-widow/ Reflections of a Buddhist Physician Mon, 06 Sep 2010 22:05:39 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.2 hourly 1 By: Adrienne Crowther http://www.happinessinthisworld.com/2009/02/15/letter-to-a-widow/#comment-6821 Adrienne Crowther Tue, 18 May 2010 17:09:44 +0000 http://happinessinthisworld.com/?p=230#comment-6821 Hello, Alex, Thank you so much for this letter and for this website. I lost my husband of 29 years last July, and then his sister---one of my best friends since age 10---last month. I do attend a regular grief support group which has been enormously helpful. I've sent this letter to my daughters, nieces, and nephews. I would also like to introduce you to my online memorial art gallery, Shine On Brightly at www.shineonbrightly.com. We feature artist-made, beautiful, personal memorials---from cremation urns, to memorial paintings, jewelry, and more. I launched the business from my lifelong passion for art and people's stories. It has since become a vocation for me. I hope you'll check it out. I'd love the opportunity to work with you in that capacity. <blockquote><em><strong>Adrienne</strong>: I'm so glad you responded to my post. And I think I've heard of your website! Did you get a write-up in a major newspaper at some point, or am I making that up? Your site looks beautiful and I'm sure is a great comfort to many who lost loved ones. Alex</em></blockquote> Hello, Alex,
Thank you so much for this letter and for this website. I lost my husband of 29 years last July, and then his sister—one of my best friends since age 10—last month. I do attend a regular grief support group which has been enormously helpful. I’ve sent this letter to my daughters, nieces, and nephews.

I would also like to introduce you to my online memorial art gallery, Shine On Brightly at http://www.shineonbrightly.com. We feature artist-made, beautiful, personal memorials—from cremation urns, to memorial paintings, jewelry, and more. I launched the business from my lifelong passion for art and people’s stories. It has since become a vocation for me. I hope you’ll check it out. I’d love the opportunity to work with you in that capacity.

Adrienne: I’m so glad you responded to my post. And I think I’ve heard of your website! Did you get a write-up in a major newspaper at some point, or am I making that up? Your site looks beautiful and I’m sure is a great comfort to many who lost loved ones.

Alex

]]> By: Hinda http://www.happinessinthisworld.com/2009/02/15/letter-to-a-widow/#comment-5411 Hinda Thu, 08 Apr 2010 04:05:50 +0000 http://happinessinthisworld.com/?p=230#comment-5411 Alex, your letter was compassionate and no doubt comforting. For those seeking a book to help them deal with grief, I highly recommend <em>Solace</em>, by Dr. Roberta Temes. It is a beautifully written book that soothes and offers a tremendous breadth of information, with much practical advice in how to deal with the entire bereavement process. Reading this book will indeed help them achieve the solace they seek. Alex, your letter was compassionate and no doubt comforting. For those seeking a book to help them deal with grief, I highly recommend Solace, by Dr. Roberta Temes. It is a beautifully written book that soothes and offers a tremendous breadth of information, with much practical advice in how to deal with the entire bereavement process. Reading this book will indeed help them achieve the solace they seek.

]]> By: Vicki http://www.happinessinthisworld.com/2009/02/15/letter-to-a-widow/#comment-5400 Vicki Wed, 07 Apr 2010 16:52:51 +0000 http://happinessinthisworld.com/?p=230#comment-5400 Your letter is so open, knowing, so consoling. Fourteen months after my husband's sudden unexpected death, I still come to a full halt when a tiny memory string is plucked. Last week would have been both our birthdays and 36th wedding anniversary. Last year that week passed in a blur. My friend-families, my own children living across the continent walked and talked along with me last week, yet I still think he'll appear and I'll share what happened and how I am making new traditions, seeking different reactions, and finding small happinesses as he would wish for me, day by day. His athletic heart was so strong that regular stress tests usually went double the time w/o raising anything, so they simply stopped each one. At his end, it was the cause of his death, just as it had been the cause of his younger brother's 10 years earlier at age 40. My consolation is that my dear husband attained age 60, didn't die that young, though ~same cause~ his father died at 85 just before Christmas. My loving daughter-in-law is a genetic biotech and keeps repeating "genetics" whenever the guilt train stops for me and I'm almost on board. He will always live in my heart: life is short but love so very long. I think the hardest thing was not getting to say "good-bye" and the fact that I coded after one surgery and consciously said 3 times, "I'm not ready to go," as I saw his stricken face, and turned away from the light and out-of-body experience. I was later told, "We lost you," but I had chosen to stay: 12 more years with him. But last year for months I bewailed the fact that he didn't come back to me to forestall my own grief. Grief therapy really helps! I'll pay the tear tariff for those "sidewinder" memory moments of the wonderful life we had together plus the struggle to not live my life in the rear-view mirror but charge ahead, always his desire for me, his hummingbird, as I faced dozens of surgeries and rehabs (successfully) for post-polio issues. That is him living in MY healing heart now, just under the scar tissue. <blockquote><em><strong>Vicki</strong>: I was so moved by this wonderfully articulate, heartfelt comment. Your husband must have been quite a guy. Alex</em></blockquote> Your letter is so open, knowing, so consoling.

Fourteen months after my husband’s sudden unexpected death, I still come to a full halt when a tiny memory string is plucked. Last week would have been both our birthdays and 36th wedding anniversary. Last year that week passed in a blur. My friend-families, my own children living across the continent walked and talked along with me last week, yet I still think he’ll appear and I’ll share what happened and how I am making new traditions, seeking different reactions, and finding small happinesses as he would wish for me, day by day. His athletic heart was so strong that regular stress tests usually went double the time w/o raising anything, so they simply stopped each one. At his end, it was the cause of his death, just as it had been the cause of his younger brother’s 10 years earlier at age 40. My consolation is that my dear husband attained age 60, didn’t die that young, though ~same cause~ his father died at 85 just before Christmas. My loving daughter-in-law is a genetic biotech and keeps repeating “genetics” whenever the guilt train stops for me and I’m almost on board.

He will always live in my heart: life is short but love so very long. I think the hardest thing was not getting to say “good-bye” and the fact that I coded after one surgery and consciously said 3 times, “I’m not ready to go,” as I saw his stricken face, and turned away from the light and out-of-body experience. I was later told, “We lost you,” but I had chosen to stay: 12 more years with him. But last year for months I bewailed the fact that he didn’t come back to me to forestall my own grief. Grief therapy really helps!

I’ll pay the tear tariff for those “sidewinder” memory moments of the wonderful life we had together plus the struggle to not live my life in the rear-view mirror but charge ahead, always his desire for me, his hummingbird, as I faced dozens of surgeries and rehabs (successfully) for post-polio issues. That is him living in MY healing heart now, just under the scar tissue.

Vicki: I was so moved by this wonderfully articulate, heartfelt comment. Your husband must have been quite a guy.

Alex

]]> By: Marilyn Smolen http://www.happinessinthisworld.com/2009/02/15/letter-to-a-widow/#comment-5370 Marilyn Smolen Wed, 07 Apr 2010 02:19:33 +0000 http://happinessinthisworld.com/?p=230#comment-5370 I believe those who interact with you on any level are fortunate, Dr. Lickerman. I believe patients in the final stages of life along with their loved ones are particularly blessed. From what I have gathered from the reading exploration I did, your compassion and understanding has not developed through personal experience of spousal or child loss, but you write as if it had. My husband died in 2001. Fighting my way through grief and finding my way to life after my husband's death has been the most difficult task of my life—thus far, yet I cannot imagine there will be anything to come that could compete with it. After attaining my grief legs, I became a cyber companion to those who follow behind me and who also find the website and discussion board I started. I would like to include your <b>Letter To A Window</b> on the website in the Author's Contribution resource page and on the discussion board, possibly on both the Inspiration Corner and Rules for Widowhood threads, if you will grant me permission. Proper attribution and link direction would be given. Thank you for the compassion and the wisdom you show to others and for the light you so kindly shine for them in their darkest hours. <blockquote><em><strong>Marilyn</strong>: I'd be delighted. Alex</em></blockquote> I believe those who interact with you on any level are fortunate, Dr. Lickerman. I believe patients in the final stages of life along with their loved ones are particularly blessed. From what I have gathered from the reading exploration I did, your compassion and understanding has not developed through personal experience of spousal or child loss, but you write as if it had.

My husband died in 2001. Fighting my way through grief and finding my way to life after my husband’s death has been the most difficult task of my life—thus far, yet I cannot imagine there will be anything to come that could compete with it. After attaining my grief legs, I became a cyber companion to those who follow behind me and who also find the website and discussion board I started.

I would like to include your Letter To A Window on the website in the Author’s Contribution resource page and on the discussion board, possibly on both the Inspiration Corner and Rules for Widowhood threads, if you will grant me permission. Proper attribution and link direction would be given.

Thank you for the compassion and the wisdom you show to others and for the light you so kindly shine for them in their darkest hours.

Marilyn: I’d be delighted.

Alex

]]> By: Ruth http://www.happinessinthisworld.com/2009/02/15/letter-to-a-widow/#comment-5360 Ruth Tue, 06 Apr 2010 15:39:17 +0000 http://happinessinthisworld.com/?p=230#comment-5360 I lost my husband 10 months ago. The first seven months, I just couldn't pull myself together. Thanksgiving was rough, and Christmas was horrible. Once the holidays passed, I began to get a perspective on my life. I cried a little less each day, skipped a couple of weeks from going to the cemetery. When I think of him my heart is still breaking, but as the saying goes, it takes time. Richard was a wonderful husband, father, grandfather. His granddaughters still talk about all his stories and jokes. While everyone else has moved on with their lives, I'm still trying to grasp mine. I know in time I will be happy again. What I liked most about your letter is not allow others to tell you when to stop grieving. Everyone does it differently, and for different lengths of time. I'm a progress in the works. Thank you for that wonderful letter. <blockquote><em><strong>Ruth</strong>: You're very welcome. I hope it may comfort you to know also that research data actually shows most people who lose spouses do eventually return to their previous level of happiness. Please be patient with the process. There are no shortcuts. Alex</em></blockquote> I lost my husband 10 months ago. The first seven months, I just couldn’t pull myself together. Thanksgiving was rough, and Christmas was horrible. Once the holidays passed, I began to get a perspective on my life. I cried a little less each day, skipped a couple of weeks from going to the cemetery. When I think of him my heart is still breaking, but as the saying goes, it takes time.

Richard was a wonderful husband, father, grandfather. His granddaughters still talk about all his stories and jokes. While everyone else has moved on with their lives, I’m still trying to grasp mine. I know in time I will be happy again.

What I liked most about your letter is not allow others to tell you when to stop grieving. Everyone does it differently, and for different lengths of time.

I’m a progress in the works.

Thank you for that wonderful letter.

Ruth: You’re very welcome. I hope it may comfort you to know also that research data actually shows most people who lose spouses do eventually return to their previous level of happiness. Please be patient with the process. There are no shortcuts.

Alex

]]>