I also love to smoke and alcohol is also something I like to abuse often. Anyway, I have been seriously trying to figure out why I smoke and drink so much. I have always had anxiety. That could be it, but cigarettes really just cause me anxiety in the long run. Alcohol seems to help during consumption anyway. Unless I act foolish and remember the next day, even worse not remember the next day. That does not help anxiety.

So I am on day 5 of a total body cleanse (something I do every year) except this time I am quitting smoking as well as all animal products, processed sugars, caffeine, alcohol, etc. I am planning to do this for 2 weeks. I am not having a problem not smoking. At least not much of one. I just won’t have a cigarette. My worry is that after my cleanse I may easily go back to smoking. I hate smelling of smoke, my clothes, my car, my hair. Although most people say they do not smell smoke on me I know that it is there. I know all the health risks about smoking. So why does it not bother me that much?

I just don’t really have a problem with death. I think it is life that scares me more.

I guess I am trying to figure out why that is.

Thanks all

Recently as a result of a severe bout of depression I began to reach out to find ways to make my life more interesting, to put motivation and purpose back in my days. I have been pursuing the path of changing how I look at things (my attitude) and really working on being in the moment and enriching my day-to-day life. I journal before the day begins and add something to it before the day ends. This has put a sense of interest and adventure back into my days and has made a huge difference in how I feel about myself.

Of course, smoking is incredibly at odds with all of this. The sense of shame won’t go away. Maybe that’s a good thing. I know it affects my self-esteem to be working on loving myself, knowing my worth. Being good to myself so I can love others and leave some small good thing in each day has been important to me. Smoking is clearly NOT loving myself. It’s gotten to the point now where I can’t hide from having to deal with it. I’ve been smoking since I was 16 (I’ll be 62 on December 22nd) about a half-pack and day and only quit while I was pregnant with my two sons, only to start again when they each were about 2 years old.

I’m a medical transcriptionist at the VA Medical Center in Milwaukee and I transcribe all sorts of hematology/oncology notes, some of which are about lung cancer. So intellectually I know the possible horrors of base of tongue, head and neck, esophageal, and vocal cord cancers and the disfigurement and pain of radiation treatment and chemotherapy as a direct result of smoking. I’m also afraid that I’ll eat everything in site if I quit, and another example of sneaky rationale is me thinking that even if I quit that’s no guarantee I won’t get lung cancer so why bother.

I’ve gotten to a place in my life where I have to make a decision because of the shame I experience with my smoking and how it is at total odds with trying to move forward toward enlightenment in my life. I don’t think I’m a nicotine addict. I think that I escape my life by smoking. When I’m smoking I’m clearly not living my life or present in that moment, feeling my feelings, or doing any of the things that help us grow.

I think I have to come to grips with the fact that during that time when I want to smoke and have the urge to light up, I won’t drop dead from my various neuroses if I choose not to. If I can only learn to just be there with that time and let it pass I’ll be on my way. I also have to let go of the notion that it’s the only “naughty enjoyment” I have left (fear of loss of something pleasurable). I don’t drink. I don’t smoke dope or take illicit drugs, and I do go out of my way to eat healthy foods. I don’t need that one vice I have left and hopefully I will be able to summon up the strength a cigarette at a time to put them down.

There’s so much more living I could be doing while I’m in the nicotine fog, and simply cutting down is not an option as it only feeds into the belief that I’ve done something about the real problem. Thank you so much for your wonderful site and all the wisdom that’s here to explore!

Blessings,
Sal

Sal: Best of luck in quitting!

Alex

On the subject of smoking, it’s unfortunate but information alone does not cause people to quit. The problem is that smokers enjoy smoking, more so than the knowledge of the risks to prevent them. It’s an addition of the soul as well as the body. Learn how to treat that and the world will beat a path to your door.